I had a step brother. His name was Roxy. He died last week at the age of 58. He died not knowing much of my sister and I . He died hating his father. He died unexpectedly. We (my sister, step dad and myself) we notified several days after his death . None of us invited to the funeral. Sounds very sad doesn't it? Well this blog isn't about my need to pour out my grief about not being included in his life or in his death. This blog is a reminder that this happens every day in our world. Children grow up in homes where hate is not only present, it is taught and encouraged. Roxy was 12 years older than me. I didn't grow up with him, although I did have some opportunities to spend some time with him occasionally in my youth. I do not personally know his mother. I only know what has been said and witnessed over the years. His mother hated his father so extremely that she made it her mission to raise her children to not only accept that hate but to embrace and participate in that hate. Let me be clear, I do not know all the ins and outs about their marriage. Anyone can have an opinion and speculate on the difficulties and pain in their marriage. We have all suffered at the hands of another in some way in our lives. This isn't to obsolve my step dad from any responsibility he had in helping to create an environment that continued to breed hate and unforgiveness. I write today to ask just a few questions, in the hope that something can be learned from this, and that it may help someone else.
My step brother had a brother and two sisters. They have made it very clear that they do not want anything to do with us. How interesting that you can be hated by someone you have never, ever done anything to. I remember only one encounter with the girls, and that was a moment when I was very young that I was reminded that they hated me and that their dad wasn't really my dad. This is true...my step dad adopted me. So he wasn't my biological father. But he was the man who was present in my home and was taking on the role of father. I remember feeling so deeply hated by two girls who I had been so excited to meet. I never saw them or had opportunity to hear from them again. Their mother never allowed it. As for my other step brother, Randy, he did venture in and out of our lives over a few years. Each time he was present, I just loved with completely, with the love a child has for those they call family. In time he chose to stay away and become discontected with us, especially from his father. Regardless of who was right, wrong, the victim or the one to blame...hate was nurtured and allowed to infect many.
We all think that by hating someone, it is hurting that person. Sometimes it does, but often times that person we hate doesn't even have a clue and so they go about their lives oblivious to the hate. It is the person who carries the hate around who becomes so effected by the hate. They let it permeate every part of their lives. They become obsessed with hating. Hate is like an infectious disease that spreads like wildfire and destroys every one it touches in the process.
Yes, people hurt us and people make some really terrible choices that affect us and those around us. Yes it sucks. And yes, being angry about the hurt or pain caused is normal. But how much power are you going to let that hate have in your life? So many times I meet people who have hated so long in their lives that they are on a mission to destroy any opportunity that someone may have in their lives to experience love, joy, or even forgiveness. We often decide who deserves to be forgiven and who doesn't. We want that person who hurt us to suffer and suffer forever. Hey, I have lived that way...I know what it is like to believe that. I lived with a step father who thrived on hate often. I know what it is like to watch someone refuse to forgive and is bent on destruction. But once that hurt has happened, even the punishment that we could give that person who hurt us doesn't erase the fact that we have had the experience of the hurt. It is what we chose to do with the hurt that is important. Should we continue to allow someone to repeatedly have access to causing pain and injury in our lives? No. But when we cling to our hatred as if it is a coveted prize, it becomes a very gross, smelly cancereous blob that swallows us up. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Have I had experiences in my life that I have suffered? Yes. Have I be hurt deeply? Yes. Did I carry hate in my heart because of those things? Yes. Is it easy to forgive when we are hurt? No. But if I don't, I am disobedient to God. Yes, the Bible, which I believe is the Word of God...all of it!!! God tells us to forgive. He tells us not to harbour hatred for one another. And even when the bad things are really bad...I really do believe that God is bigger than that bad thing...and He will work all things out for those who love Him. It is called trusting in a God who is obviously more powerful than we can comprehend....we didn't create the world and all of its uniqueness...God did!!!
Okay..so back to Roxy. In my sadness this week...my very first thought when I was told of his death was did anyone ever take the time in his life to tell him that Jesus is Lord and that Jesus loves him. The next was wondering if he had died holding onto his hatred for his father. And where has that gotten him? Did his refusal to reach out and repair the relationship with his father hurt his dad...yes. Did anyone ever show him how to forgive ? How sad that the even though his mother had her way and left his father, to be with someone she loved...a life she supposedly wanted...she got that...yet she raised her children with such a hatred in her heart for their father, that it still has power over them. Through the forty some years that have passed since the end of their marriage...she has continued to fuel a hatred for a man who is now a very old, lonely man. She has encouraged a legacy of hate. Didn't anyone ever share with her the message of forgiveness? This is so sad.
Let me be clear about something. I am not in any way suggesting that people should continue to endure horrible acts of injury and pain from someone just because God calls us to forgive. I would only encourage those who have suffered so horribly at the hands of others to get out from under those situations and find safety and healing. Then allow God to bring the opportunity to heal and remove the hatred. It isn't over night. It isn't instantaneously. Healing comes in stages. It is my hope and prayer that those who have suffered, found safety, healing, and forgiveness, can leave a legacy of compassion and hope to replace the devastation that hatred brings.
I don't know what opportunites my brother Roxy had to forgive, to let go of bitterness and hatred, and find peace. I don't know if he ever had a chance to choose Jesus. I only know that every day we have a choice to hate or forgive. We face that everyday. What will you choose?
What legacy will we leave for others?
Lorrie
Jezi Pou Ayiti (Jesus for Haiti)
8 years ago
