We carry our shame.

We carry shame from our failures.
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Today at 2:30pm
This title could apply to all of us in all walks of life...we all carry a shame for our failures. Today I am writing about a shame over failures in this career.Over the last few months, many of us in EMS(Emergency Medical Services) have found ourselves struggling with Compassion Fatigue. Yes...it actually has a name. I don't know when the professionals decided to name it that but I do know it has been around forever. If you do this job long enough, you experience it in some way or another. We fight anger, cynicism, callousness, frustration and tears from call to call. You know when someone is battling it because you start to hear that person say" I don't know what is wrong with me...I am just sooo tired of all the crap and stupid calls we go on. I don't even care about people anymore." Yep...compassion fatigue. And why wouldn't we. We battle the public to gain respect. (that is a whole blog in itself) We battle life and death. We struggle with the elements, and fatigue and extreme situations. We are confronted by chaos on every call. We are expected to be healer, problem solver, miracle worker, therapist, victim worshipper, and above all...be kind, compassionate and professional...even when the patient or their family is rude, drunk, out of control, blame layers or crude. Add to the the stress of driving one of these big trucks. And driving them safely and quickly, avoiding the person who just swerved in front of you while chatting on their cell phone totally oblivious to the ton truck careening towards them...lights and sirens and horn on....praying to not hit them or the oncoming traffic...and then when we pass them and honk at them...they give us the finger.( I am not lying! I am serious as a heart attack!)
Now add that the call is a :
5 month old cardiac arrest. Basically a dead 5 month old.
47 year old woman having a massive heart attack in the back of your ambulance and you have to shock her 14 times before you reach a hospital.(and you do this alone in the back of the ambulance.)
A 50 year old man who had a recent diagnosis of cancer and dies in front of his family. Kids, parents, and spouse all standing there while you tried to bring them back to life.
A 4 month old that is in the back of a rural ambulance...and the crew is in tears because the baby isn't breathing and has no pulse and you land in the helicopter and are expected to save the day.
A 10 year old who is accidentally shot point blank range in the stomach by an older brother who suffers from some developmental delays and doesn't understand that he has killed his little brother and is standing outside the home excited to see us show up...because we save lives. He died.
The 17 year old girl who face is shattered by the windshield and she is screaming that no one will ever love her because she is going to be ugly now. And now the father shows up on scene because the other kids called the parents. Now you have a freaked out dad demanding answers as to why the accident happened and is interfering with all your attempts to extricate his daughter's face from the windshield.
The rural two car roll over accident with all the kids ejected and the one dead is the child of one of the first responders on the scene and you don't take the girl in the helicopter because you don't fly the dead. (You fly the ones you can save. ) And you are the one who has to tell him.
The 40 year old man driving to work and a truck coming towards him and loses control in the slush on the roads and slams into him head on. The man driving the truck has no injuries. The 40 year old man is crushed, and barely alive...only to die in your ambulance 5 minutes from the hospital.
Is that enough examples?
Compassion fatigue....we battle it. But what we battle and fear even more than the compassion fatigue is the shame of failing to save the lives. Now we all know that everyone dies. We get that. But we are expected to save lives. And we take our jobs seriously. If you don't, you wash out or get fired. We are all a little arrogant this way...and we are all driven to succeed and do our job to the best of our ability. That is why those of us who do this job do this job so well.So what is the shame. We don't save everyone. Honestly I haven't saved even half of the patients I have had in my 11 year career. Not because I am bad at my job...but do to things beyond my control...like death. Yet, when the family is hysterical...we try to save the patient who is dead and will stay dead. We know it...and yet we try. The family sees us try and they have hope. So when we fail, they don't understand. We are the ambulance...we save lives....what do you mean they are dead?????
Now add to that shame equation...when it is one of our own who we can save.Last night I was talking to a friend of mine about a woman she had just met while running. The woman shared with my friend who she was and that she was a widow...her husband (a police officer) had been killed working. I know the woman. I knew her husband. As my friend and I were talking, I mentioned that most of us here on the Ambulance know who she is...we knew her husband...but we all keep our distance out of respect. I went on to explain that we feel that our presence is an ugly reminder that we failed to save her husband. I went on the explain that we carry a burden of shame in that failure to save one of our own...and we stay at a distance so as not to bring more hurt to the woman. Oh I know that doesn't make a lot of sense to many of you...but then you don't do this job so it wouldn't. The explanation I gave my friend really stuck with me. I told her of the time I had been talking to the woman and all I could do was cry and she comforted me...that isn't how it was suppose to work...she is the one who lost a husband.
The public views us as life savers....heros....coming to save the day....and we don't save many.

Then we go home to our loved ones and try to live life, stay connected and have hope.
Today I received a quote from a good friend of mine. She was watching Grey's Anatomy and heard this quote...and sent it to me....those of us who do this job....completely get this and understand this quote...because this job breaks even the toughest person...we never ever forget the young ones we didn't save....not ever!
Here is the quote...
"Practicing medicine doesn’t lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because - life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because - in staring down death every day, we’re forced to know that life - every minute - is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss, somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don’t bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can."
Now take the word Doctor and replace it with Paramedic and EMT....
we live in our community....sing in your churches, buy our groceries in your stores, walk our dogs in your neighborhoods, attend kids concerts at the schools , and we smile and we wave back....but we are utterly broken. And you don't know it.
Life is not fair, not ever and we know that....because we see it not only in our own lives daily doing normal living things....we see it on the freeway, in the back bedroom, in the hospital and in the back of an ambulance.
People try to tell us that we are to just get over these failures...to just let go....give ourselves a break....okay...yep...we do until the next 5 month old baby not breathing...then every one of the calls that haunts us comes rushing back. We are told to seek healing in God or in therapy ect....and most of us do. I just keep asking God how many more deaths does He want to me to experience. We may look detached on some of these calls....it is called professional education....but we cry in our cars, in our drive ways, we rage in the garage, we attack the gym, we eat away the pain and some drink to stop the memories.
Why am I sharing this today....because we are a group of people whom God blessed with a gift...and most of us take seriously that gift to be the best EMT/Paramedic.... we want to bring honor to our God for this gift.... but with this gift...comes a death...a day to day death of ourselves.
God bless all who have, do and will do this job.....because you will need all the blessings God can give you to survive.
Lorrie

The Power of Fear

The Power of Fear
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Today at 12:32pm
So I wonder about this sometimes...the power of fear. I see it in my own life at times and in the lives of others. How much time to we give to being afraid? How much energy is wasted paralyzed by fear...or worrying about the what ifs of fear? Yes it is good to be prepared for what ifs in our lives...but how much time is spent on fear? I have lived 45 years. I have seen good and bad times. I have lived and celebrated good times. I have cried and mourned the bad. My life is a combination of both. There are things in my life that make my heart hurt...and things that make it sing...all at the same time. To which do I give more energy and time to? I really believe it is a choice. I really believe that we have a choice as to what we will allow to be our main area of focus....the good or the sad...bad...hard times. I can have many friends and family encouraging me and lifting me up...but in the end...who am I going to believe...the pain of the hard times or the promises of the blessings God has already given and has promised more of?It is there for the choosing...but only I can chose. Sometimes it is a daily choice...a minute by minute choice in our lives.Sometimes that is how we get through the day..minute by minute...but it is by our own choice that we let hard times still our joy from us.
There is no fair in life...no such thing as a fair life. So we need to stop expecting that. We need to stop expecting the instant fulfillment of our desires...because maybe we have some work to do yet before we are ready for the blessing. Where is our focus? Who is it on? If we are caving in to fear and chosing to focus on the hard times....we are not giving focus to the One who can bring the love we want...the joy we crave...the blessings we pray for....now...I am not saying we shouldn't mourn or feel our hurts ...or ignore our hard times....we have been given emotions and feelings for a reason...God made us human.
What I am saying is just maybe God is waiting for us to make the change in our focus...maybe He is waiting with that blessing and that answered prayer ....maybe He is waiting because He has something He wants us to do for Him ....for others...instead of whining "God...what have you done for me lately"...maybe we could make sure He can't say the same thing? (just a thought....cause I have found the more I focus on what I want from God...the more He directs my focus on what He wants from me...two way street...two way relationship....) It seems that when I am facing a hardship...or filled with fears....it can almost take over every waking moment....or at least that is how it can feel sometimes....but there is a way to break free from that....change the focus...change who we are giving the power in our lives to. It doesn't mean instantly everything we have ever wanted will happen...but it means a deepening relationship with God...and it can help us to keep our hearts filled with joy and thanksgiving...even when we think life sucks.
Recently my oldest daughter split from her boyfriend of 9 years (they share a daughter age three) and she moved into her own place. She is bombarded with so many fears....being alone..being a single mom...no one to fix her car when it acts up...trying to pay the bills on one income....living in a home without much furniture....having no money to buy anything nice to wear for herself...losing many of her friends in the breakup...having to make new friends....hoping for a new love life..........many fears....and she called me one morning just shattered and crying....and I listened...I listened for a long time....she needed to be heard...and then she asked what she should do....and I made some suggestions...reminded her of the "real" truths in her life....and then suggested she start everyday reading a psalm...start that day with Psalm 1...and then the next day read the next one....pretty soon you are many days from where you started...and your outlook has changed....because you change where your focus is....and she is now starting to find some strength in the areas she felt so weak and scared.Below is a message from Proverbs 31...the subject is fear....enjoy....and I hope and pray that if you are struggling with fear today...that it will help you change your focus...give the One who has ALL the best and right power the power in your life today!
Love ya
Lorrie




The Truth About Fear
1 Apr 2009
Micca Monda Campbell
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:8 (NIV)

Have you ever noticed how some TV commercials mix just enough truth with their product to make it believable? While that's called false advertisement, the product still comes off convincing. It's not until we purchase the product, and it fails, that the trickery becomes exposed.In the same way, Satan specializes in false advertisement. He's good at making our fears look real when they are not. Does that mean all fears are wrong? No. The fear of standing near a high cliff protects us from getting to close to the edge and toppling over. One the other hand, Satan's spooks are full of trickery. They are usually disabling and keep us from progress. This kind of false advertisement can choke our faith and fuel our fears.
Have you ever wondered where our struggle between faith and fear began? I have. According to author and teacher Malcolm Smith, fear was introduced to the human race by a satanic lie.The Garden is the first place where the serpent deceived Eve by twisting God's word. The Lord told Adam not to eat of any tree in the garden except the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16-17). If he or Eve ate from that tree, they would surely die spiritually. Not only did Eve eat the forbidden fruit, but she offered it to Adam and he ate too.As soon as Adam disobeyed God, their relationship changed. Adam was not only afraid, but he doubted God's authority, friendship, and provision. Satan's lie told Adam that he didn't need God. In fact, Adam was persuaded that he could be his own god, self-sufficient in every way.The same can be true for you and me. At times, you an d I live independent of God's presence. We act as if everything depends on us. We wouldn't dare admit that we are in over our heads. We want to appear in control. But God never meant for you and me to be strong in and of ourselves. We were meant to show His strength in our weakness as He provides for our needs. We were created to live like little children, dependent on the care our heavenly Father.The times we insist on living life our way, in our own strength, we experience the same result as Adam and Eve. We will live in fear. This is right where Satan wants us.If we're afraid to try, we never will. If the enemy can keep us contained by fear, we won't be able to fulfill our potential or make a difference in the life of another. Satan knows what we are capable of with Christ. To prevent us from that realization, he poisons us with fear.The truth is what we fear rarely comes to pass. This kind of fear that is fueled by Satan's lies can be described by this acrostic:FalseEvidenceAppearingRealIt's not that we shouldn't be concerned about certain issues of life such as safety and health. But when worrying takes over by keeping us up at night and shutting us down during the day, we've moved into a place we were never meant to live. We must return to living in God's presence and relying on His promises and provision. Only then will we be able to distinguish between truth and lies. Only then will our lives be marked by faith, not fear.

Dear Lord, help me to discern between false fears and real concerns. As I commit Your Word to memory, make Your truth alive in my heart so that I can battle fear and live by faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Related Resources:<>An Untroubled Heart by Micca Campbell
i am not, but i know I AM by Louie Giglio
Finding a Faith Stronger Than All My Fears (3 CD set) by Micca Campbell
Visit Micca's blog

Application Steps:Determine if your fears are real or if they are only False Evidence Appearing Real. If your fears are real, heed their warning. If they are smoke and mirrors performed by the enemy, take those thoughts captive and give them to God in prayer.Reflections:Do you doubt God's provision and protection - why or why not?Are you living independent of God's presence, or carefree in His care?How can depending on God's resources and strength eliminate your fears?
Power Verses:Romans 8:31, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (NIV)John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." (NIV)1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (NIV)© 2009 by Micca Campbell. All rights reserved.

Just little bumps in the road.

Hey all, well I haven't blogged for about a month and not because I don't have any blogs circling in my head and heart...I have just been moving at the speed of light for the past 2 months...and am just now taking a breath....breath in breath out...oh yes...very refreshing.In my job I spend a lot of time on the road. Many people are really surprised what a rough ride they receive in the back of the ambulance. And each time I hear that, I respond by telling them that the ambulances are built to carry a "mini ER"and not for comfort...and that they don't notice the bumps in the rode as much riding in the front of their cars where the suspension is designed to give a comfortable ride. Just take a ride in the back of a pickup once and you will notice the difference between riding in the front and riding in the back. Well yesterday I had a chance to really do some reflecting on the difference in riding in the front or the back and how the perspective of traveling down the road based on if you are driving in the front seat or riding along in the back.Welll...yep..you guessed it...that started a blog in my head. Then add to that theme, all the emotional bumps in the daily road of our lives. I have bumps in my road...sometimes on a daily basis...do you?Are they significant or insignificant? What I mean is...are some of the bumps so big that you have to change the direction you were going on the road or get onto another road...or are they just little speed bumps that just remind us to pay closer attention and slow down..be more careful...but really do not cause a major disruption of your life. I have obviously had both...we all have. Recently I had just a little speed bump and it was in facing the cause of that bump the other day that I realized how insignificant the cause of that bump was. I also realized that in the past I would have allowed that kind of bump to become a major road block, creating emotional heartache and havoc in my life. But this time, I hit that bump and scarcely felt the jarring in my heart. Wow...how did that happen???
Let me set the landscape for you. I have a huge heart. I have wanted to love someone with that "deep from the bottom of my heart" love. So when someone would enter my life...I would basically jump off the cliff of love and fall head first into the "idea" of loving someone. Note the quotes around the word idea. That is significant. For me, over the last few years, I have done just this...jump right off the cliff of love because I was in love with the "idea" of falling in love. Okay, that sets the background for this blog...except for this...back in November I went on a few dates with a nice man. Remember I mentioned this in a few of my blogs? Okay, anyway, I liked him. And since I liked the feeling of liking someone, I attached a deeper thought to those feelings. I wanted to fall in love...so I just "decided" that I was starting to feel love feelings. If you know me at all...I am pretty much the kind of person who once on a quest...I go for it!
Now, I have been through relationships before and had done much the same thing in the past as well...remember...when something is a habit...we continue to repeat it because it feels familiar. So....there I was...falling in love with the idea of falling in love...only this time something inside was speaking louder than the romantic music in my head. I even found myself saying out loud..." I don't think I can do this...I want my life back the way it was before all this (the dates) started." Now I did receive encouragement from friends and family to let this play out...and I did. So I took the opportunity to read some books God dropped in my lap (through friends suggestions) and boy did reading some of the suggestions and rules on dating and relationships totally charge me up to change my way of thinking about falling in love with the "idea" of falling in love. Before I knew it..I had not only broken the habit of jumping off the cliff but I had also become empowered to not let the ending of dating a nice guy become a huge bump in my road...the kind of bump that would usually cause great heartache and stop me in my tracks for a while on my road of life. Oh sure...I cried some. I got angry about some of the lies I was told. I even blogged about it. Here is the awesome thing...the minute that blog was written and posted...I realized that I was over the bump...and still traveling down the road God had placed before me. Here is the other cool thing...I continued on my road equipped with new knowledge and before I knew it...I had a new perspective on relationships...what it means to have a safe one, how to not only place boundaries but respect them, and not become heartsick. I found I still treasure the love in my heart...the hope I have for love. Cool!
So the other day while working, I encountered the person who was involved in this little speed bump. I realized that although I grew out of the few dates we had, there was no heartache, no longing, no wondering of what ifs, nothing...the only thing that came to my mind was insignificance. Those dates were insignificant to me as I travelled down my road. I had given the credit for new perspectives and growth to my Lord and so therefore...there was no significance given to this man. Now don't take that as a cold heartless statement. Let me explain.
In my past, through the relationships I have had with men, I have always attached great significance to those men and their impact in my life. Letting those relationships and heartaches disrupt and become road blocks in my life. I have even given them credit for some of the growth in my life instead of giving the credit to God. All because I used to place men and the whole desire of wanting to fall in love before my relationship with God. The last time that happened was several years ago...and when the relationship fell apart...so did I.
So the cool thing this time...I didn't fall apart. I had never allowed this man to become more significant than my relationship with God. So I can not give any credit to him for the change in my life, the breaking of habits and the growth I received. He is insignificant...for he is just a man and can not create anything in my life...only my God can. Now let me be clear...that does not mean I have a negative attitude about men. It does not mean that I do not place any value on who God made men to be. It means that through all the trials I have had with men...this time I found it easy to keep God in the lead, to follow after God's heart and not place my desire to be loved by a man higher than my desire for God. So when the dates ended...I had learned and moved on over that little speed bump with very little disruption, and gained a huge amount of knowledge and a greater amount of healing from my past.
So why have I written about this. We are all traveling a road filled with pot holes, speed bumps, caution signs as well as open areas for all the enjoyment of the journey. I will be the first to say sometimes those pot holes and speed bumps are huge...and they can really create havoc in our travels. But then we have a choice...we can stay imprisoned in those pot holes...giving all our thoughts, energy and focus on how big this obstacle is...how unfair and damaging it is..and never look around the obstacle to see the open road God has before us. We can be so caught up in the unfairness of this situation that we don't see God offering us tools to equip and arm ourselves against the damages these pot holes and speed bumps can cause. How much significance are we giving the person who was the pot hole or speed bump? Are we giving them more significance than God? Sometimes it is really hard to just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start all over again...that is where God is waiting to step in, and where our loved ones and friends are waiting to step in and help hold us up until we are ready to move forward in our journey. But the healing isn't going to come from the loved ones and friends. The healing is only going to come from opening ourselves to God and letting Him bring the healing. Let Him be the one significant...let God be the one you give the credit to ....I know from recent experience that is it soooo awesome to see my own growth. God is significant....man is just man.
Love ya'll
Lorrie