Crash

I have been a paramedic for 10 years. I have loved it! I have hated it! I have seen more death than I have ever wanted and yet I have seen more miracles as well! I am the one who comes to bring others comfort and help. When we do this job we know there will be days when we don't save everyone, and when we have to deal with people who take out all their anger or anguish or pain on us. We also get to share in the successes of the life saved and the people we have helped. Today was suppose to be no different. There is a little saying in this job, "You do this job long enough..you get into an accident." Yep. We did. Someone took a chance and went for the intersection even though they knew we were coming. They hit us as we were responding lights and sirens to an emergency call. Thank God we are all okay. My partner, who was driving, was pretty upset and rightly so! The woman who hit us was too and was so very sorry. Me...I was shaken. I am still shaken. Unnerved maybe is a better word. Shortly after the accident we took the ambulance down to our maintenance shop downtown, and on the way, a very unnerving incident happened as well. Someone came from the left lane, swerving through traffic all the way over to my may so they could make the exit...causing all the other vehicles in their way to swerve..right towards me...and I hit the shoulder...that shook me. 2 incidents in less than one hour. Can you say sick to my stomach and horrible headache???
I know from doing this job all the physiological effects from these type of incidents, but how often do we ever allow ourselves to give into those things?? Rarely...even when we are freaked out by the bad calls we are on...we must try to maintain our composure..we are afterall...the rescuers!!! Right??
Even on the accident...I had to keep composed and evaluate the woman who hit us...when really all I wanted to do was either cry or throw up. Being hit by a car that is going +45 m.p.h and when we are going about 25-30...that is a bang! When that ambulance rocked side to side...I was scared. When the traffic all swerved towards me less than an hour later...I was scared.
I have been in several accidents in my life. I have suffered some injuries in my life. I have taken the risks and gotten into a helicopter and flown many times...knowing that if it crashed...it would be bad...so why today am I unnerved?
I have been sitting here at home tonight waiting for the tears and yet telling myself to get a grip...be tough...I am okay so what is my problem??? Knowing I have to tell others that I am fine..cause if I tell them that it scared me...well..that sounds kind of silly coming from someone who drives a big ambulance 8o miles an hour through traffic and arrives on the scene to say..."Ta Da!!! Have no fear the paramedics are here!" (Okay..well I really don't say that..but the public thinks that about us sometimes...) So tonight I wrestle with these thoughts and emotions. Do you know what I want to shout!!!????
I am a woman who feels!!!!!! Not a robot or a machine that is detached from emotions. I didn't like this today. It scared me. But what scares me more is how often we tell ourselves in this job not to feel...not to be scared and not to cry.
I bleed red just like the rest of the human race. And I get scared. And I cry.
And tomorrow...the sun comes up!!! :)

Here was my devotional for today....what a reminder...

From Streams in the Desert

July 28
His way is in the whirlwind and the storm (Nahum 1:3)

I remember when I was a young person attending school in the vicinity of Mount Pleasant. One day I sat on the side of the mountain and watched a storm as it moved through the valley. The skies were filled with darkness, and thunder began to shake the earth. It seemed as though the lush landscape were completely changed, and its beauty gone forever. But the storm passed quickly and soon moved out of the valley.
If I had sat in the same place the following day and said, "Where is that intense storm and all its terrible darkness?" the grass would have said, "Part of it is in me." The beautiful daisy would have said, "Part of it is in me," and all the other flowers, fruits, and everything that grows in the ground would have said, "Part of the storm has produced the radiance in me."
Have you ever asked the Lord to make you like Him? Have you ever desired the fruit of the Spirit and prayed for sweetness, gentleness and love? If so, then never fear the fierce storms that even now may be blowing through your life. Storms bring blessings, and rich fruit with be harvested later. (Henry Ward Beecher)

The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joy at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in later years;
The rainbow! See how fair a thing
God has built up from tears.
By Henry S Sutton.

So as I think on those words...yeah..the tears come... and they really do feel good. God always knows the way to help, heal and comfort His children...and even though I am a big girl...and am still His child.
Lorrie

AND

And I chose to post a draft I had written in june...yeah so it was posted way down near the bottom of my blog.........whatever!!! It is titled Worship Warrior....guess I should have just posted the day I wrote it!!!
Man sometimes this internet thing is just diseased....it eats bloggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For those of you who have heard me quack...you will get this!!! The rest of you.....I am really okay!!!! :)!!!!!

Diseased Internet!!!!

wow...........the internet is garbage sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!! the whole blog I wrote about the miracles God has done so far for this trip...gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This happening is diseased!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrr!
Guess I will have to rewrite it....but not right now...just a little ticked!!!!!!!!!

Ukraine

Well I am sitting at work this fine Sunday morning and thought I should write a little something about my upcoming medical missions trip. For some, this is the first you have heard of it. For others, you have heard me babble about it now for a few weeks. Saying I am excited is an understatement!!!

We (the team of 7) leave on September 13 for K

Living in the land of Comedy Central

I live in the land of Comedy Central. I really do!!! My life right now feels like that most days. That isn't bad either. My days are filled with lots of gut busting laughter and I am loving it!!!!
That isn't how I would have described my life and home several years ago. I would have said I live in the land of doom and gloom....a horrible place!!!! No I haven't moved into a luxury home. No I didn't win the lottery and have gobs of money to spend at will. No I didn't have lipo or a complete body makeover. None of these things. I still live in the little apartment that I moved into 6 years ago. I still struggle with my weight and my face is still the same. I have received pay increases that I am truly thankful and grateful for, but I still sometimes have financial issues that come along. So what has changed? Well let me tell you about the land of doom and gloom.
Doom and gloom was a place of depression and anger in my home. Horrible battles every day!!! Every day!!!! I was living wrong and parenting wrong and it really felt like my home was not a home of refuge and peace but a place of hell on earth. Seriously!!!!
Now I am not going to devulge all the nitty, gritty seedy secrets and tales of my wrong living here....that would take up waaaaayyyyy too much room here and that isn't what I want to talk about. A person's testimony is about a changed life...not just the focusing on all the things you used to do. So let me be clear....I was living a life without focus, without hope, without truth....in essence....without complete acknowledgement that God is God...and I made A LOT of very bad choices. Many people would say, "You did the best you could under the circumstances." Sure....I did try MY best in those situations...cause I wasn't let God come in and do His best....and I was falling on my face!!!! Okay....so my point is my home was full of yuck. I was one of those parents who absolutely flipped out! Screaming, crying, threatening...saying things that were vile and wrong...all because I was panicked and alone. My daughter was getting into trouble and was fighting and breaking through every boundary I set up...and that didn't take much cause I was too tired and scared to enforce that rules anyway. When you live icky...icky moves in to your home and sets up shop! Something had to change....and it had to start with me...and a little over 3 years ago...I got serious....and did a very scary thing...I asked God to change me. Not change everyone else...me! Now I had been a believer since childhood, but pretty much living my life my way and then crying to God "Help meeeeeeeeee!!! " when things didn't go MY way. Hmmmmm....that wasn't working and it only took me most of my life to figure that out....thick brained????? lol....anyway...change did come...very slowly...thank God too!! Cause if He would have just said "Okay Lorrie...ta da...all changed...the revelation of all the things I was doing that were not of His will would have freaked me out I would have probably been found rocking in a corner, foaming at the mouth and whimpering....and someone would have put me away.....no...God did it slowly...so as not to completely put me over the edge. It is hard work and I am still a work in progress. But let's not dwell on all that doom and gloom....how did it turn to comedy central????
Weeeel......as I was changing...and finding more hope, more peace and more strength....I was finding that the battles were still there...But...I had a new way to fight them. Did my daughter become a quiet, obedient child???? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not....but...as she started seeing that I wasn't backing down...I was standing my ground...and I had a great big God standing with me...things started to change. And one day I noticed that laughter had taken up residence in my home. I am talking gut busting, tears streaming down your face, my stomach hurts...make it stop LAUGHTER!!!!!!!! There isn't a day or night that doesn't go by that I haven't had a really good laugh!!! I live with a daughter who does an incredible velociraptor....it is something to see!!! Oh...she does some awesome impressions...ask her to do her tree!!!!!
I have two cats that have the most opposite of personalities...that everyday with them is a laugh.
Why has this happened...cause I learned over the last few years that I don't have to have all the answers, cause God does and I trust Him! Does that mean I never cry or fear or worry??? Whatever...I am human...I do these things....but it means that I don't lose sight of my hope. I don't go to that desperate place so much anymore....sure...moments happen that really shake my world upside down....but the desperation is fleeting...and the hope breaks through.
So...here in my comedy central life...I find myself laughing at it as it is happening. I can't even imagine the chuckles God has over this land of comedy central and me.
Yesterday I sent out an email for prayer for my son. The night before I had been talking to him about his medical concerns...and the momma bear inside me reared up and was provoked....never poke the momma bear people!!! So in my best protective momma bear stance...I ranted about the "injustices" happening to my son by the medical community!!! Something I am very very familiar with by the way!!(the medical community that is.) By the time I went to bed that night...the prayers were leaping out of this momma bear's mouth. That inspired me to send that email asking for prayer for him. By yesterday afternoon, a new medical drama was unfolding for my VERY GRACEFUL daughter Lindsey. (all my kids have the nick names grace...cause they don't have any....(not the grace like God's grace...) I am talking about them tripping over the crack in the sidewalk kind of grace....just like me!!!) Anywayyyyyyyy....by yesterday afternoon, phone calls from the church camp were reaching my home...Lindsey was going to the hospital. Possible broken hand...her right hand. EWWWW....Ouchie!!!!!!!!! Hearing her through her tears(not a normal reaction for her...when she cries when she gets hurt...I KNOW she is hurt!)....momma bear was enraged again!!!! After the first phone call...I am pretty sure if I was on exhibit at the zoo....they would have found a caged momma bear pacing too and fro in her cage...growling and roaring....( see...I make God laugh!)...soon more calls...more inaccurate information.....and I find myself pacing and growling about how I should have just gotten into the car and driven out there so I could have managed my daughter's care and told those nurses and doctors just what they need to do....(can you tell I work in medicine?!) More phone calls....and I am deciding it wasn't necessary to go...more calls and I am thinking I should have...would someone stop hitting this tennis ball!!!! Did I mention...that in all this I was praying too??? Over three hours of this ping pong game...and it is settled that Lindsey might not have a broken hand...she will stay at camp with her hand splinted, on pain meds...and I will take her to the doctor friday....and in the middle of all this...I realized I had found myself laughing at this whole episode.....and thinking about it today....I still laugh. When Lindsey engages herself...she doesn't hold back...even when it means she may get hurt....she has fallen down mountains...been run over by golf carts, taken headers off a bicycle( several times..once right in front of me and popped up right away and said..I am okay mom!!! I was mortified!), tripped over the lines on the floor of the church and broken her foot, fallen asleep sun tanning and turned crispy...oh the list goes on and on....and yet she doesn't give up...she charges ahead full steam the next time!!
The meanest, grinch in the world would never make it in our comedy central world without finding himself at least giggling a little!!!
Need a laugh...come visit us!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God is Good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lorrie

What is my name???

Today I have finally taken the time to sit down and write for awhile. I can't begin to tell you the number of blogs I have written in my head...I have quite a few...but one thing after another pops up and so I store them in the vault inside my head and heart....for safe keeping until the time arrives to publish them here.

That brings me to this blog today. I write this on the heels of spending a great weekend with my dad, my two daughters, my granddaughter and her father. We had a great time!!! With all the fun activities going on during this time, I put off to the side some of my devotions that I read...and today decided I should catch up. Funny thing how you can start to read different devotions and scriptures and realize that there is an underlying message that is continually being mentioned...that brings me to this blog today.

I read a devotional about the James and John and how Jesus called them Sons of Thunder...and then pondered some of the questions that arose in me regarding this devotional...What is my name? What nick name would Jesus give me??? That led me to thinking about one of the books that I was drawn to last year...not only did the title capture my attention...but I felt it was a description of me...or at least who I felt
god wanted to be. The book is called The Worship Warrior. Awesome book..one worth reading many times! But I felt that God was calling me to be this....a worship warrior......a warrior...not a very feminine word. These days I find myself really wanting to be seen as a woman...not a masculine uniformed paramedic...not a lonely, single mom...so when it seemed that God was calling me to be a worship warrior...I was a little concerned. Most people probably don't realize that I struggle with the image my job tends to portray women as....I wear very unflattering, masculine uniform clothing..designed for men...in a career that used to be dominated by men...and that many women who do this job often are labeled as lesbians if they are not married and wear their hair short...sounds silly and stupid doesn't it...but it is true!!! I can't tell you the number of times I have been asked if I was married...and when I answer no...I am immediately asked if I am a lesbian...what gives!!!!! So I make every effort to walk the walk of a feminine woman...so when hearing God say He wants me to be a worship warrior...imagine my issue with the word warrior!!! And of course after reading the devotional about the names of James and John being called the Sons of Thunder...I am also reminded that I have often been called loud and a big mouth ....once again not very feminine at all....so I sat here this morning thinking on the labels that I have had to battle, and I am reminded by my God that He has called me to sing. Sing in all things...worship Him in all things...no matter what!!! And then He reminded me once again in todays reading of Streams in the Desert..July 23...page 283....

Sing ....to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything.

( Ephesians 5: 19-2-)



No matter the source of the evil confronting you, if you are in God and thereby completely surrounded by Him, you must realize that it has first passed throug Him before coming to you. Because of this, you can thank Him for everything that comes your way. This does not mean thanking Him for the sin that accompanies evil, but offering thanks for what He will bring out of it and through it. May God make our life one of continual thanksgiving and praise, so He will then make everything a blessing.

I once saw a man draw some black dots on a piece of paper. Several of us looked at it yet saw nothing but an irregular arrangements of dots. Then he also drew a few lines, put in a few rests, and added a treble clef at the beginning. Suddenly we realized that the dots were musical notes, and as we began to sound them out, we were singing....

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all creatures here below.

Each of us has many black dots or spots in our life, and we cannot understand why they are there or why God permitted them. But when we allow Him into our life to adjust the dots in the proper way, to draw the lines He desires, and to put rests at the proper places to separate us from certain things, then from the black dots and spots He will compose a glorious harmony.

So let us not hinder Him in His glorious work! C. H.P.



Would we know that the major chords were sweet,

If there were no minor key?

Would the painter's work be fair to our eyes,

Without the shade on land or sea?

Would we konw the meaning of happiness,

Would we feel that the day was bright,

If we'd never known what it was to grieve,

Nor gazed on the dark of night?



Many people owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties. Charles H. Spurgeon.

When the organist presses the black keys of a great organ, the notes are just as beautiful as when he presses the white ones. Yet to fully demonstrate the capabilities of the instrument, he must press them all.



After reading that...I am encouraged to walk in my nick name...worship warrior...to sing and worship Him in all things no matter what. It isn't just singing on the worship team at church...yes...He wants me to sing...and He has taken a woman with an average voice and at certain times He blesses me with a song!!! But that isn't the end....He calls me to sing who I am in all that I do....and reminds me that He knows the troubles and difficulties I face...He hears my hurts when I cry because once again someone has labeled me as someone I am not. He tells me to walk on...to press on...or keep singing....sorta like when Dori in the movie Finding Nemo sings her little song....Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming , swimming...and no matter the terrors, the darkness or the handicaps...she is happy and just keeps swimming....

Today I am not so afraid of the word warrior....after all...the prophetess Deborah in Judges warriored when she instructed Barak to fight and he asked she go with....and I bet no one called her names....or thought she was a man!

Then I can go too....and warrior in worship for God!

Ask God what name He has for you...and trust Him that He will support you in that name!

Lorrie

Scriptures read today....Judges 4-5, Psalm 18, Ephesians 5: 19-20, Isaia 62:2, Isaiah 43:1, and Mark 3:17 to name a few! These besides the scriptures in on One Year Bible....

Funny little side note....several weeks ago I started to fashion a blog called worship warrior....and then saved it and didn't publish it....hmmmmm....nothing is a coincidence you know...God is amazing!!!!!!