Crash

I have been a paramedic for 10 years. I have loved it! I have hated it! I have seen more death than I have ever wanted and yet I have seen more miracles as well! I am the one who comes to bring others comfort and help. When we do this job we know there will be days when we don't save everyone, and when we have to deal with people who take out all their anger or anguish or pain on us. We also get to share in the successes of the life saved and the people we have helped. Today was suppose to be no different. There is a little saying in this job, "You do this job long enough..you get into an accident." Yep. We did. Someone took a chance and went for the intersection even though they knew we were coming. They hit us as we were responding lights and sirens to an emergency call. Thank God we are all okay. My partner, who was driving, was pretty upset and rightly so! The woman who hit us was too and was so very sorry. Me...I was shaken. I am still shaken. Unnerved maybe is a better word. Shortly after the accident we took the ambulance down to our maintenance shop downtown, and on the way, a very unnerving incident happened as well. Someone came from the left lane, swerving through traffic all the way over to my may so they could make the exit...causing all the other vehicles in their way to swerve..right towards me...and I hit the shoulder...that shook me. 2 incidents in less than one hour. Can you say sick to my stomach and horrible headache???
I know from doing this job all the physiological effects from these type of incidents, but how often do we ever allow ourselves to give into those things?? Rarely...even when we are freaked out by the bad calls we are on...we must try to maintain our composure..we are afterall...the rescuers!!! Right??
Even on the accident...I had to keep composed and evaluate the woman who hit us...when really all I wanted to do was either cry or throw up. Being hit by a car that is going +45 m.p.h and when we are going about 25-30...that is a bang! When that ambulance rocked side to side...I was scared. When the traffic all swerved towards me less than an hour later...I was scared.
I have been in several accidents in my life. I have suffered some injuries in my life. I have taken the risks and gotten into a helicopter and flown many times...knowing that if it crashed...it would be bad...so why today am I unnerved?
I have been sitting here at home tonight waiting for the tears and yet telling myself to get a grip...be tough...I am okay so what is my problem??? Knowing I have to tell others that I am fine..cause if I tell them that it scared me...well..that sounds kind of silly coming from someone who drives a big ambulance 8o miles an hour through traffic and arrives on the scene to say..."Ta Da!!! Have no fear the paramedics are here!" (Okay..well I really don't say that..but the public thinks that about us sometimes...) So tonight I wrestle with these thoughts and emotions. Do you know what I want to shout!!!????
I am a woman who feels!!!!!! Not a robot or a machine that is detached from emotions. I didn't like this today. It scared me. But what scares me more is how often we tell ourselves in this job not to feel...not to be scared and not to cry.
I bleed red just like the rest of the human race. And I get scared. And I cry.
And tomorrow...the sun comes up!!! :)

Here was my devotional for today....what a reminder...

From Streams in the Desert

July 28
His way is in the whirlwind and the storm (Nahum 1:3)

I remember when I was a young person attending school in the vicinity of Mount Pleasant. One day I sat on the side of the mountain and watched a storm as it moved through the valley. The skies were filled with darkness, and thunder began to shake the earth. It seemed as though the lush landscape were completely changed, and its beauty gone forever. But the storm passed quickly and soon moved out of the valley.
If I had sat in the same place the following day and said, "Where is that intense storm and all its terrible darkness?" the grass would have said, "Part of it is in me." The beautiful daisy would have said, "Part of it is in me," and all the other flowers, fruits, and everything that grows in the ground would have said, "Part of the storm has produced the radiance in me."
Have you ever asked the Lord to make you like Him? Have you ever desired the fruit of the Spirit and prayed for sweetness, gentleness and love? If so, then never fear the fierce storms that even now may be blowing through your life. Storms bring blessings, and rich fruit with be harvested later. (Henry Ward Beecher)

The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joy at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in later years;
The rainbow! See how fair a thing
God has built up from tears.
By Henry S Sutton.

So as I think on those words...yeah..the tears come... and they really do feel good. God always knows the way to help, heal and comfort His children...and even though I am a big girl...and am still His child.
Lorrie