We carry our shame.

We carry shame from our failures.
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Today at 2:30pm
This title could apply to all of us in all walks of life...we all carry a shame for our failures. Today I am writing about a shame over failures in this career.Over the last few months, many of us in EMS(Emergency Medical Services) have found ourselves struggling with Compassion Fatigue. Yes...it actually has a name. I don't know when the professionals decided to name it that but I do know it has been around forever. If you do this job long enough, you experience it in some way or another. We fight anger, cynicism, callousness, frustration and tears from call to call. You know when someone is battling it because you start to hear that person say" I don't know what is wrong with me...I am just sooo tired of all the crap and stupid calls we go on. I don't even care about people anymore." Yep...compassion fatigue. And why wouldn't we. We battle the public to gain respect. (that is a whole blog in itself) We battle life and death. We struggle with the elements, and fatigue and extreme situations. We are confronted by chaos on every call. We are expected to be healer, problem solver, miracle worker, therapist, victim worshipper, and above all...be kind, compassionate and professional...even when the patient or their family is rude, drunk, out of control, blame layers or crude. Add to the the stress of driving one of these big trucks. And driving them safely and quickly, avoiding the person who just swerved in front of you while chatting on their cell phone totally oblivious to the ton truck careening towards them...lights and sirens and horn on....praying to not hit them or the oncoming traffic...and then when we pass them and honk at them...they give us the finger.( I am not lying! I am serious as a heart attack!)
Now add that the call is a :
5 month old cardiac arrest. Basically a dead 5 month old.
47 year old woman having a massive heart attack in the back of your ambulance and you have to shock her 14 times before you reach a hospital.(and you do this alone in the back of the ambulance.)
A 50 year old man who had a recent diagnosis of cancer and dies in front of his family. Kids, parents, and spouse all standing there while you tried to bring them back to life.
A 4 month old that is in the back of a rural ambulance...and the crew is in tears because the baby isn't breathing and has no pulse and you land in the helicopter and are expected to save the day.
A 10 year old who is accidentally shot point blank range in the stomach by an older brother who suffers from some developmental delays and doesn't understand that he has killed his little brother and is standing outside the home excited to see us show up...because we save lives. He died.
The 17 year old girl who face is shattered by the windshield and she is screaming that no one will ever love her because she is going to be ugly now. And now the father shows up on scene because the other kids called the parents. Now you have a freaked out dad demanding answers as to why the accident happened and is interfering with all your attempts to extricate his daughter's face from the windshield.
The rural two car roll over accident with all the kids ejected and the one dead is the child of one of the first responders on the scene and you don't take the girl in the helicopter because you don't fly the dead. (You fly the ones you can save. ) And you are the one who has to tell him.
The 40 year old man driving to work and a truck coming towards him and loses control in the slush on the roads and slams into him head on. The man driving the truck has no injuries. The 40 year old man is crushed, and barely alive...only to die in your ambulance 5 minutes from the hospital.
Is that enough examples?
Compassion fatigue....we battle it. But what we battle and fear even more than the compassion fatigue is the shame of failing to save the lives. Now we all know that everyone dies. We get that. But we are expected to save lives. And we take our jobs seriously. If you don't, you wash out or get fired. We are all a little arrogant this way...and we are all driven to succeed and do our job to the best of our ability. That is why those of us who do this job do this job so well.So what is the shame. We don't save everyone. Honestly I haven't saved even half of the patients I have had in my 11 year career. Not because I am bad at my job...but do to things beyond my control...like death. Yet, when the family is hysterical...we try to save the patient who is dead and will stay dead. We know it...and yet we try. The family sees us try and they have hope. So when we fail, they don't understand. We are the ambulance...we save lives....what do you mean they are dead?????
Now add to that shame equation...when it is one of our own who we can save.Last night I was talking to a friend of mine about a woman she had just met while running. The woman shared with my friend who she was and that she was a widow...her husband (a police officer) had been killed working. I know the woman. I knew her husband. As my friend and I were talking, I mentioned that most of us here on the Ambulance know who she is...we knew her husband...but we all keep our distance out of respect. I went on to explain that we feel that our presence is an ugly reminder that we failed to save her husband. I went on the explain that we carry a burden of shame in that failure to save one of our own...and we stay at a distance so as not to bring more hurt to the woman. Oh I know that doesn't make a lot of sense to many of you...but then you don't do this job so it wouldn't. The explanation I gave my friend really stuck with me. I told her of the time I had been talking to the woman and all I could do was cry and she comforted me...that isn't how it was suppose to work...she is the one who lost a husband.
The public views us as life savers....heros....coming to save the day....and we don't save many.

Then we go home to our loved ones and try to live life, stay connected and have hope.
Today I received a quote from a good friend of mine. She was watching Grey's Anatomy and heard this quote...and sent it to me....those of us who do this job....completely get this and understand this quote...because this job breaks even the toughest person...we never ever forget the young ones we didn't save....not ever!
Here is the quote...
"Practicing medicine doesn’t lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because - life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because - in staring down death every day, we’re forced to know that life - every minute - is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss, somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don’t bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can."
Now take the word Doctor and replace it with Paramedic and EMT....
we live in our community....sing in your churches, buy our groceries in your stores, walk our dogs in your neighborhoods, attend kids concerts at the schools , and we smile and we wave back....but we are utterly broken. And you don't know it.
Life is not fair, not ever and we know that....because we see it not only in our own lives daily doing normal living things....we see it on the freeway, in the back bedroom, in the hospital and in the back of an ambulance.
People try to tell us that we are to just get over these failures...to just let go....give ourselves a break....okay...yep...we do until the next 5 month old baby not breathing...then every one of the calls that haunts us comes rushing back. We are told to seek healing in God or in therapy ect....and most of us do. I just keep asking God how many more deaths does He want to me to experience. We may look detached on some of these calls....it is called professional education....but we cry in our cars, in our drive ways, we rage in the garage, we attack the gym, we eat away the pain and some drink to stop the memories.
Why am I sharing this today....because we are a group of people whom God blessed with a gift...and most of us take seriously that gift to be the best EMT/Paramedic.... we want to bring honor to our God for this gift.... but with this gift...comes a death...a day to day death of ourselves.
God bless all who have, do and will do this job.....because you will need all the blessings God can give you to survive.
Lorrie

The Power of Fear

The Power of Fear
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Today at 12:32pm
So I wonder about this sometimes...the power of fear. I see it in my own life at times and in the lives of others. How much time to we give to being afraid? How much energy is wasted paralyzed by fear...or worrying about the what ifs of fear? Yes it is good to be prepared for what ifs in our lives...but how much time is spent on fear? I have lived 45 years. I have seen good and bad times. I have lived and celebrated good times. I have cried and mourned the bad. My life is a combination of both. There are things in my life that make my heart hurt...and things that make it sing...all at the same time. To which do I give more energy and time to? I really believe it is a choice. I really believe that we have a choice as to what we will allow to be our main area of focus....the good or the sad...bad...hard times. I can have many friends and family encouraging me and lifting me up...but in the end...who am I going to believe...the pain of the hard times or the promises of the blessings God has already given and has promised more of?It is there for the choosing...but only I can chose. Sometimes it is a daily choice...a minute by minute choice in our lives.Sometimes that is how we get through the day..minute by minute...but it is by our own choice that we let hard times still our joy from us.
There is no fair in life...no such thing as a fair life. So we need to stop expecting that. We need to stop expecting the instant fulfillment of our desires...because maybe we have some work to do yet before we are ready for the blessing. Where is our focus? Who is it on? If we are caving in to fear and chosing to focus on the hard times....we are not giving focus to the One who can bring the love we want...the joy we crave...the blessings we pray for....now...I am not saying we shouldn't mourn or feel our hurts ...or ignore our hard times....we have been given emotions and feelings for a reason...God made us human.
What I am saying is just maybe God is waiting for us to make the change in our focus...maybe He is waiting with that blessing and that answered prayer ....maybe He is waiting because He has something He wants us to do for Him ....for others...instead of whining "God...what have you done for me lately"...maybe we could make sure He can't say the same thing? (just a thought....cause I have found the more I focus on what I want from God...the more He directs my focus on what He wants from me...two way street...two way relationship....) It seems that when I am facing a hardship...or filled with fears....it can almost take over every waking moment....or at least that is how it can feel sometimes....but there is a way to break free from that....change the focus...change who we are giving the power in our lives to. It doesn't mean instantly everything we have ever wanted will happen...but it means a deepening relationship with God...and it can help us to keep our hearts filled with joy and thanksgiving...even when we think life sucks.
Recently my oldest daughter split from her boyfriend of 9 years (they share a daughter age three) and she moved into her own place. She is bombarded with so many fears....being alone..being a single mom...no one to fix her car when it acts up...trying to pay the bills on one income....living in a home without much furniture....having no money to buy anything nice to wear for herself...losing many of her friends in the breakup...having to make new friends....hoping for a new love life..........many fears....and she called me one morning just shattered and crying....and I listened...I listened for a long time....she needed to be heard...and then she asked what she should do....and I made some suggestions...reminded her of the "real" truths in her life....and then suggested she start everyday reading a psalm...start that day with Psalm 1...and then the next day read the next one....pretty soon you are many days from where you started...and your outlook has changed....because you change where your focus is....and she is now starting to find some strength in the areas she felt so weak and scared.Below is a message from Proverbs 31...the subject is fear....enjoy....and I hope and pray that if you are struggling with fear today...that it will help you change your focus...give the One who has ALL the best and right power the power in your life today!
Love ya
Lorrie




The Truth About Fear
1 Apr 2009
Micca Monda Campbell
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:8 (NIV)

Have you ever noticed how some TV commercials mix just enough truth with their product to make it believable? While that's called false advertisement, the product still comes off convincing. It's not until we purchase the product, and it fails, that the trickery becomes exposed.In the same way, Satan specializes in false advertisement. He's good at making our fears look real when they are not. Does that mean all fears are wrong? No. The fear of standing near a high cliff protects us from getting to close to the edge and toppling over. One the other hand, Satan's spooks are full of trickery. They are usually disabling and keep us from progress. This kind of false advertisement can choke our faith and fuel our fears.
Have you ever wondered where our struggle between faith and fear began? I have. According to author and teacher Malcolm Smith, fear was introduced to the human race by a satanic lie.The Garden is the first place where the serpent deceived Eve by twisting God's word. The Lord told Adam not to eat of any tree in the garden except the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16-17). If he or Eve ate from that tree, they would surely die spiritually. Not only did Eve eat the forbidden fruit, but she offered it to Adam and he ate too.As soon as Adam disobeyed God, their relationship changed. Adam was not only afraid, but he doubted God's authority, friendship, and provision. Satan's lie told Adam that he didn't need God. In fact, Adam was persuaded that he could be his own god, self-sufficient in every way.The same can be true for you and me. At times, you an d I live independent of God's presence. We act as if everything depends on us. We wouldn't dare admit that we are in over our heads. We want to appear in control. But God never meant for you and me to be strong in and of ourselves. We were meant to show His strength in our weakness as He provides for our needs. We were created to live like little children, dependent on the care our heavenly Father.The times we insist on living life our way, in our own strength, we experience the same result as Adam and Eve. We will live in fear. This is right where Satan wants us.If we're afraid to try, we never will. If the enemy can keep us contained by fear, we won't be able to fulfill our potential or make a difference in the life of another. Satan knows what we are capable of with Christ. To prevent us from that realization, he poisons us with fear.The truth is what we fear rarely comes to pass. This kind of fear that is fueled by Satan's lies can be described by this acrostic:FalseEvidenceAppearingRealIt's not that we shouldn't be concerned about certain issues of life such as safety and health. But when worrying takes over by keeping us up at night and shutting us down during the day, we've moved into a place we were never meant to live. We must return to living in God's presence and relying on His promises and provision. Only then will we be able to distinguish between truth and lies. Only then will our lives be marked by faith, not fear.

Dear Lord, help me to discern between false fears and real concerns. As I commit Your Word to memory, make Your truth alive in my heart so that I can battle fear and live by faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Related Resources:<>An Untroubled Heart by Micca Campbell
i am not, but i know I AM by Louie Giglio
Finding a Faith Stronger Than All My Fears (3 CD set) by Micca Campbell
Visit Micca's blog

Application Steps:Determine if your fears are real or if they are only False Evidence Appearing Real. If your fears are real, heed their warning. If they are smoke and mirrors performed by the enemy, take those thoughts captive and give them to God in prayer.Reflections:Do you doubt God's provision and protection - why or why not?Are you living independent of God's presence, or carefree in His care?How can depending on God's resources and strength eliminate your fears?
Power Verses:Romans 8:31, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (NIV)John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." (NIV)1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (NIV)© 2009 by Micca Campbell. All rights reserved.

Just little bumps in the road.

Hey all, well I haven't blogged for about a month and not because I don't have any blogs circling in my head and heart...I have just been moving at the speed of light for the past 2 months...and am just now taking a breath....breath in breath out...oh yes...very refreshing.In my job I spend a lot of time on the road. Many people are really surprised what a rough ride they receive in the back of the ambulance. And each time I hear that, I respond by telling them that the ambulances are built to carry a "mini ER"and not for comfort...and that they don't notice the bumps in the rode as much riding in the front of their cars where the suspension is designed to give a comfortable ride. Just take a ride in the back of a pickup once and you will notice the difference between riding in the front and riding in the back. Well yesterday I had a chance to really do some reflecting on the difference in riding in the front or the back and how the perspective of traveling down the road based on if you are driving in the front seat or riding along in the back.Welll...yep..you guessed it...that started a blog in my head. Then add to that theme, all the emotional bumps in the daily road of our lives. I have bumps in my road...sometimes on a daily basis...do you?Are they significant or insignificant? What I mean is...are some of the bumps so big that you have to change the direction you were going on the road or get onto another road...or are they just little speed bumps that just remind us to pay closer attention and slow down..be more careful...but really do not cause a major disruption of your life. I have obviously had both...we all have. Recently I had just a little speed bump and it was in facing the cause of that bump the other day that I realized how insignificant the cause of that bump was. I also realized that in the past I would have allowed that kind of bump to become a major road block, creating emotional heartache and havoc in my life. But this time, I hit that bump and scarcely felt the jarring in my heart. Wow...how did that happen???
Let me set the landscape for you. I have a huge heart. I have wanted to love someone with that "deep from the bottom of my heart" love. So when someone would enter my life...I would basically jump off the cliff of love and fall head first into the "idea" of loving someone. Note the quotes around the word idea. That is significant. For me, over the last few years, I have done just this...jump right off the cliff of love because I was in love with the "idea" of falling in love. Okay, that sets the background for this blog...except for this...back in November I went on a few dates with a nice man. Remember I mentioned this in a few of my blogs? Okay, anyway, I liked him. And since I liked the feeling of liking someone, I attached a deeper thought to those feelings. I wanted to fall in love...so I just "decided" that I was starting to feel love feelings. If you know me at all...I am pretty much the kind of person who once on a quest...I go for it!
Now, I have been through relationships before and had done much the same thing in the past as well...remember...when something is a habit...we continue to repeat it because it feels familiar. So....there I was...falling in love with the idea of falling in love...only this time something inside was speaking louder than the romantic music in my head. I even found myself saying out loud..." I don't think I can do this...I want my life back the way it was before all this (the dates) started." Now I did receive encouragement from friends and family to let this play out...and I did. So I took the opportunity to read some books God dropped in my lap (through friends suggestions) and boy did reading some of the suggestions and rules on dating and relationships totally charge me up to change my way of thinking about falling in love with the "idea" of falling in love. Before I knew it..I had not only broken the habit of jumping off the cliff but I had also become empowered to not let the ending of dating a nice guy become a huge bump in my road...the kind of bump that would usually cause great heartache and stop me in my tracks for a while on my road of life. Oh sure...I cried some. I got angry about some of the lies I was told. I even blogged about it. Here is the awesome thing...the minute that blog was written and posted...I realized that I was over the bump...and still traveling down the road God had placed before me. Here is the other cool thing...I continued on my road equipped with new knowledge and before I knew it...I had a new perspective on relationships...what it means to have a safe one, how to not only place boundaries but respect them, and not become heartsick. I found I still treasure the love in my heart...the hope I have for love. Cool!
So the other day while working, I encountered the person who was involved in this little speed bump. I realized that although I grew out of the few dates we had, there was no heartache, no longing, no wondering of what ifs, nothing...the only thing that came to my mind was insignificance. Those dates were insignificant to me as I travelled down my road. I had given the credit for new perspectives and growth to my Lord and so therefore...there was no significance given to this man. Now don't take that as a cold heartless statement. Let me explain.
In my past, through the relationships I have had with men, I have always attached great significance to those men and their impact in my life. Letting those relationships and heartaches disrupt and become road blocks in my life. I have even given them credit for some of the growth in my life instead of giving the credit to God. All because I used to place men and the whole desire of wanting to fall in love before my relationship with God. The last time that happened was several years ago...and when the relationship fell apart...so did I.
So the cool thing this time...I didn't fall apart. I had never allowed this man to become more significant than my relationship with God. So I can not give any credit to him for the change in my life, the breaking of habits and the growth I received. He is insignificant...for he is just a man and can not create anything in my life...only my God can. Now let me be clear...that does not mean I have a negative attitude about men. It does not mean that I do not place any value on who God made men to be. It means that through all the trials I have had with men...this time I found it easy to keep God in the lead, to follow after God's heart and not place my desire to be loved by a man higher than my desire for God. So when the dates ended...I had learned and moved on over that little speed bump with very little disruption, and gained a huge amount of knowledge and a greater amount of healing from my past.
So why have I written about this. We are all traveling a road filled with pot holes, speed bumps, caution signs as well as open areas for all the enjoyment of the journey. I will be the first to say sometimes those pot holes and speed bumps are huge...and they can really create havoc in our travels. But then we have a choice...we can stay imprisoned in those pot holes...giving all our thoughts, energy and focus on how big this obstacle is...how unfair and damaging it is..and never look around the obstacle to see the open road God has before us. We can be so caught up in the unfairness of this situation that we don't see God offering us tools to equip and arm ourselves against the damages these pot holes and speed bumps can cause. How much significance are we giving the person who was the pot hole or speed bump? Are we giving them more significance than God? Sometimes it is really hard to just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start all over again...that is where God is waiting to step in, and where our loved ones and friends are waiting to step in and help hold us up until we are ready to move forward in our journey. But the healing isn't going to come from the loved ones and friends. The healing is only going to come from opening ourselves to God and letting Him bring the healing. Let Him be the one significant...let God be the one you give the credit to ....I know from recent experience that is it soooo awesome to see my own growth. God is significant....man is just man.
Love ya'll
Lorrie

Don't check out!!!

There is an epidemic going on right now and it isn't a disease that we can go to the doctor to get better. It is a disease of the human soul...the dying of our spirits I believe. It is a disease that is destroying the hearts of God's people. It is the disease of disconnection. Shutting out the world. Going it on our own. Buying stock in self sufficiency.
I drove Linds to school this morning and we had an opportunity to talk about this. We dropped off her snowboarding equipment at the drop off point before school this morning. She goes most Friday afternoons with the Ski club to a local Ski hill and snowboards her little heart out!!! And she is good! As we were waiting for the trailer to show up to put her equipment in, our conversation some how turned to "what is wrong with people"? She is 16 and has seen more heartache and rejection in her young life than I would have ever believed possible. She is a joyous young woman and really still wants to believe in the best of people, but today she was just appalled at the way people are behaving more and more every day. Some people would say to her, "well better to face the harsh realities of how awful people are now!!", or "get used to it kid...that will be you someday!"...but I don't want her to HAVE TO DO THIS!
She sees it all day at school..people disconnected...no one caring about anyone else...only in this life to get everything they can out of others and thinking only of themselves....ME ME ME ME ME! It ticks her off. At that point I am driving by our ambulance base and she asked me how we get the ambulances out of the garages for calls when all those buses and parents block the way. "Mom...they move don't they?" Unfortunately I could say they don't always move and sometimes they are really rude and angry at us when they have to get out of the way so we can go on a call. Yep...that is the truth. In fact...when I pull in to the parking lot for work some days and the parents are all lined up in their cars either dropping off their children at the school in our building or they are picking up....they are rude to those of us who work on the ambulance. Dirty looks, refusal to move their cars, almost running us over, nearly running into the ambulances...all in a hurry to do "their thing"...and wanting us out of "their" way. That brought the enlightenment to Linds about how the public treats us "ambulance drivers" when we are out in public...or on a call...they treat us with disdain...like our soul purpose is to be in "their" way or to disrupt "their" day. Needless to say...my daughter being "my" daughter...that ticked her off.
The rest of the drive to school was a discussion about how people today only care about themselves....how they seek to do destructive things to others all in the name of doing "what is best for me!"....and what about those who make you think they are nice and that you can trust them...and then they hurt you and refuse to accept any responsibility for their own actions! Yep...all big topics of discussion this morning on her way to school. Wow ....I would have loved to just talk about something nice like what movie she watched last night or how she was liking her new jeans! Not so!!!
So after dropping her off this morning, I found myself musing over the talk we had. I recalled the coffee talk Amanda and I had yesterday...and the chats Stacy and I had last night while out shopping. All of these talks...chats...about the disconnection of people and how it is affecting the rest of us.
I used to be one of those people. When someone hurt me...I retreated into my own little world and isolated myself...all thinking.."If I just keep to myself and stay in my little world and NOT let anyone in...I will be safe...I can heal and never let anyone hurt me again!" Sound familiar??? How many of us have said or done this??? How many of still want too??? I get it...is really sucks to get hurt...to get the wind knocked out of you...to think all is good...only to have someone say "hey...don't want ya..." or "I don't like you...or I don't love you!" any of those words and a whole lot more!!! Yep...really hurts...sick to your stomach hurt!! Sometimes "the whole world collapsing around you" hurt! I am 45 years old and I have felt this on my skin more than I ever thought I would...and some of those hurts I truly didn't think I would live through...but I have!
It took all the hope and trust I could muster (and most of the time..it was pretty tiny)in God and the prayers of "I give up...please take over my life!!! I suck at managing this crappy life God...Your way has to be better than mine!".
Buying stock into self sufficiency...the thought of "I don't need anyone...I will be fine all by myself...I won't let anyone in ever again..."ect....only murders the heart and destroys our very souls!!
It is a sad existence. Let me give you a couple of examples:
Have you ever walked into some one's home and looked around their house to try and get a good impression of who they really are? Yes....we all have...just say yes!
When You walk into my house, you are instantly introduced to my children. A big picture frame hangs in my hall with lots of pictures of my kids..from various ages and stages. Walk into my bathroom and you are greeted by pictures of me and my kids...laughing, smiling and hugging!
Walk into my living room...and no matter where you look...pictures of the people in my life. All people I am in relationship with. Some pictures are old...some recent...some really funny! The colors in my house of jewel tones...ruby, purple, emerald, sapphire, deep browns...and the smells are inviting and spicy!My bedroom is lush, fragrant and deeply colored...no pastels for me...deep passion colors of red, purple, dark browns and gold. My bed says " come lay down and be loved, comforted and blessed!"
No matter where you go in my house...you see, smell and feel warmth, relationship and love.
Now think about this...you go into some one's house and it is chaos. Nothing in any of their rooms says "I have relationships with people"...no pictures of family, friends, or pets. No place in their house that says..."hey come and hang with me here"...every room in their house is filled with only "their" stuff and there are no signs of life outside of themselves...there is no place here that says there is room for you here. Doesn't sound like a warm and happy place to be does it? Just imagine if that is what you come home to every day. What if that is your house? Now understand me here...I am not a great house decorator...so this is not about "decorating" this is about living. When you discontent from people...from trusting...from hope...from relationships...from love...you become closed up and cold inside. When you "feel" this way...it hurts even worse to come home to a place where you are reminded of people, hope, relationships and love...so you get rid of everything around you that reminds you of all the ugly pain you carry inside. We all do this a little...be honest. Someone you like gives you something...then hurts you...and you get rid of what they gave you cause you think it will ease your pain. Sometimes it does...and sometimes it doesn't...most of the time it doesn't. The longer we isolate...hid from the world...refuse to trust...refuse to hope...refuse to try...refuse to make and take care of relationships...the colder our hearts become...and starker our existence is. We soon begin to hide in our houses. Put on the smile and "good show" for co workers and casual friends...but once we are out of their sight...the smile fades...the coldness of our hearts engulfs us and we hide in our houses. We hide in fear of being hurt, of being found out..and we become professional excuse makers. Do you really think that is why God created us??? Um....nooooo!!
We have choices...we can refuse to disconnect. We can take the risks...and I mean really try...not haphazardly...we can throw down all our hurts...all our dreams...all our hopes...everything...throw it all down and say..."God I can't do it all on my own....I am not You...please take the lead...take hold of me...and show me how You want me to live...how You want me to be....show me Your hope...Your love...Your relationship"....
We have to fight this disease of disconnection. It is destroying us....our families...our relationships...our friends...our hopes...our dreams ....our love.
Even when you can really say that life sucks!! Don't check out! Even when life doesn't make any sense or seems to be spinning out of control...Don't check out!!!
Check in...you have friends...you have family....you have a great big God......


Philippians 4:6-9 says
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, what ever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything excellent or praise worthy---think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heart from me or seen in me...put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


Don't check out...surround yourself with people...with relationships...with God....
Check in to life!!!!!!

Love you all,
Lorrie

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank you all, those who posted and those who just emailed...for your support and encouragement!!! I am not done. I have not given up. I am stepping out and moving forward and my dating life is not over!! I haven't lost heart or thrown in the towel. I am not an isolator...I will not withdraw from life...not a chance!!! Life is awesome and God created us for relationship...with Him, with family and friends...and even mates! When we withdraw from life and live a solitary life...we live out of God's plan....I am saddened for those who are in that solitary life now. They think it will keep them safe but all it will do is deepen their sadness and anger and bitterness...causing them to withdraw even farther from life. We are not called to live alone. I am not alone!!!! I am loved and I love. I am in relationship ...true relationship with many...not the superficial "talking the talk but not walking the walk" kind...but the kind where you stick it out with those you love through all the rough spots and celebrate all the blessings!
Thanks again for all your words! I treasure them!
Love
Lorrie

Anger and Forgiveness

I am writing this blog tonight after I had already gone to bed, said my prayers and was ready to drift off...but here I sit! I didn't know I was angry until I let my mind relax and prepared to sleep. I am angry...and I need to write this blog as a letter...a little in first person...since I will not be given the opportunity to speak these words to the person because he will view it as aggressive confrontation . So I ask those of you reading it to just be patient with this blog. I must speak what is in my heart so I may release this and forgive. Here it is....

"I am angry with you. You lied to me several times and that has hurt me. I have never lied to you ever. I gave you every opportunity to be honest and clear with me...so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings or misrepresentations...but you chose lying instead. I am angry that you chose to speak to me often with a condescending attitude. I am angry that you would say things like "all I need is you" sarcastically to me...and admit to me you where only being sarcastic. I am hurt that you placed a very low value on my heart....that it wasn't even worthy of honesty nor was it even accepted. I am hurt that you spoke of "future" and commitment, and relationship" and then became distant and unforgiving. I am hurt that you chose passivity in this relationship...choosing not to call, not to extend your heart, not to open your life to me...yet all the while telling me you "liked me". I am hurt that you valued me so little that you couldn't even tell me we where done dating! And I am angry about that!
So I have a choice...I can stay angry at you and become bitter and harbor ill feelings towards you...or I can chose to forgive you and turn you over to God and not hang on to you anymore. I chose the latter option..even if you don't care or don't know.
I forgive you for talking commitment and companionship and not sticking it out to finish what YOU started for you where the one that started talking "future, and commitment and relationship first! I forgive you for your condescending attitude, your sarcasm (which by the way is the LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR..AND IT CAUSES INJURY TO ANOTHER PERSON)
, your unrealistic expectations of perfection for me, your refusal to forgive me when I apologized for any of my offenses, and for your lack of engagement in this dating relationship. I forgive you for lying to me when you had the opportunity to end things before Christmas. I forgive you for not calling to wish me a Merry Christmas...and I forgive you for all your excuses as to why you were too busy to call or unable to call. I forgive you for mistreating and not valuing my heart. I forgive you for not respecting me enough to apologize and change your behavior when I brought something to your attention. I forgive you for laughing off my feelings. I forgive you for not respecting me enough to say "we are done".
I am releasing myself from unforgiveness and angry towards you. I am turning over all of this to my Lord and Savior and asking Him for His healing in my life. I will not hold any ill will towards you and will pray for you. I have forgiven you but you will never be allowed back into my inner circle...for I no longer trust you.

I hope that those of you reading this will just realize that there was only one person this was written to and about ...and we are no longer dating. I am sure some would say this was inappropriate for me to send out...that it is behind his back and that isn't fair...I would never be allowed the chance to say any of these things to him. Not because I am afraid of him..because he would not ever let me say them...he would either hang up..or walk away from me. Since I write and it is good therapy for me...I wrote this. Please understand the context of why it was written...I must forgive him. I have to release this and seek God for healing. I must get out of the way. He is forgiven by me...I leave this all at the feet of Jesus....
I hope I didn't offend anyone as it wasn't my intent to do so.
Thanks for understanding and respecting my heart and my feelings.
Lorrie

Never been this way before..New territory...new country...

So 2009 has started...we are only into the 3 rd day...and I wonder at all that I will see over the next 12 months...it will be new...a new territory for me...new chapters in my life...new adventures...new challenges...new celebrations.. new relationships.. new hurts and new healings....and new wisdom.....sometimes facing new things is daunting. We do not know what tomorrow will bring...but I know the One who does. This morning I read my friend Amanda's blog.... http://toccandoilcielo.blogspot.com/ and was inspired..I loved her resolve on who she is...who she will be and who she will trust! I agree with her on the things she wrote...and I am resolved to not only support and encourage her...but to make some of her own resolutions my own...who God has brought to me much of the same insights He has brought her...the same books...the same hopes and the same reassurances....

So this morning as I read in my devotional Streams in the Desert...I am touched by the awesome reminder of who my God is...and what He will do...

January 3
I will move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children. ( Genesis 33: 14)
What a beautiful picture of Jacob's thougthfulness for the cattle and the children! He would not allow them to be driven too hard for even one day. He would not lead them at a pace equal to what a strong man like Esau could keep or expected them to keep, but only as fast as they were able to endure. He knew exactly how far they could go in a day; and he made that his only consideration in planning their travel. He had taken the same wilderness journey years before and knew from personal experiences its roughness, heat and distance. And so he said, "I will move along slowly," "Since you have never been this way before"(Josh 3:4)We "have never been this way before," but the Lord Jesus has. It is all untraveled and unknown ground to us, but He knows it all through personal experience. He knows the steep places that take our breath away, the rocky plans that make our feet ache, the hot and shadeless stretches that bring us to exhaustion, and the rushing rivers that we have to cross---- Jesus has gone through it all before us. As John 4:6 shows, "Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down." He was battered by every possible torrent, but all the flood waters coming against Him never quenched His love. Jesus was made a perfect leader by the things He suffered. " HE knows ow we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."( Ps. 103:14) Think of that when you are tempted to question the gentleness of His leading. He remembers all the time and will never make you take even one step beyond what your feet are able to endure. Never mind if you think you are unable to take another step, for either He will strengthen you to make you able or He will call a sudden halt, and you will not have to take it at all.Frances Ridley Havergal writes:In pastures green? Not always; sometimes He who knowest best, in kindness leadeth me In weary ways, where heavy shadows be.So, whether on the hilltops high and fair I dwell, or in the sunless valleys, where the shadows lie,what matter? He is there.

So here I am in a new year...new territory in my life...and I am happy for I know my God is with me...and will lead me always...no matter what ends...what begins or what continues....


Suggested reads for any of you looking for a good book....
Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud
Boundaries in Dating by Dr Henry Cloud ( if you are or want to date)
Breaking Intimidation by John Bevere (if you struggle with fear and insecurities in areas of your life..we all do!)
Fight Like a Girl by Lisa Bevere ( for women who want to be the woman God created us to be)The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman ( everyone should read this!)
The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman ( don't miss this book!)
Any book by Michelle McKinney Hammond (if you are a woman...read her books...be the woman God created and called you to be!)
and if you are dating...He's Just Not that into You..by Greg Behrendt ( not a christian book..but really a truthful look at men and dating...by a man who used to be...Not That Into You! )
These are just to name a few of the books I have read or are reading...
So onward into the new territory!!!
Lead on oh King Eternal!
Lorrie

Putting it all together....awesome!!

Today is Friday, January 2nd 2009 and I had every intention of blogging a wonderful New Year's wish to you all. God...He has other ideas and plans...so I am sitting here ready to blog about what He set before me this morning. I ask for patience as I write..since I am not quite sure where God wants me to go with this message..but I will soon find out!
So to recap some things for me lately...I am reading a few books and read a couple about a week ago. The books I have read lately....Boundaries in Dating by Dr Henry Cloud...and He's Just Not That Into You...by Greg Behrendt. What an eye opening experience those books were. Boundaries in Dating...awesome book for anyone (not just women) who want to date or are dating. He's just not that into you....written for women to read...BUT....I really think that it should be read by every man who wants to date or is dating...it will maybe help them see the messages they are REALLY giving the women they are dating. It also may remind them...if you are not that into us as women...we will figure it out...and we will MOVE ON....(that is a phrase the author uses to tell the women...dump the guy who isn't into you...and get a life!) He (the author) reminds women that they should not waste their time with a guy who doesn't call..doesn't plan dates, doesn't give you compliments and doesn't include you in his personal life...a.k.a...introducing you to his friends and family. There are more chapters in this book..but I am not writing a blog about this book today. Both books...good reads!!! I am also currently reading Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud...and an awesome women's book by Michelle McKinny Hammmond....Secrets of an Irresistible Woman...(hey..it is NOT a book that gives a woman false hope that she does this or that and she finds the love of her life...it is a book about being the woman of God He has called you to be...and to GET A LIFE..it does deal with dating as well..)Awesome so far....so what is this blog suppose to be about???Well...seems that a reoccurring theme keeps popping up over the last week or so....Move on...Get a life....make better choices....let go of the past...forgive.....all big themes in the books I have been reading...well I could start by listing some of the messages Safe People showed me...
Safe People deals with character discernment in the first couple of chapters. What is this? Being able to tell the "sheep from the goats" in your life. Here is a quote:
Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be. Though not perfect, they are "good enough" in their own character that the net effect of their presence in our lives is positive. They are accepting, honest and present and they help us bear good fruit in our lives.
Unsafe people fall into 3 categories...Abandoners:people who start a relationship but who can't finish it. They begin with statements about companionship and commitment, but they leave us when we need them most. Critics: people who take a parental role with everyone they know. They are judgemental, speak the truth without love and have no room for grace or forgiveness. Irresponsibles: are people who don't take care of themselves or others. They have problems with delaying gratification, they don't consider the consequences of their actions and they don't follow through on their commitments. Then the next chapter talks about the personal traits of unsafe people...there are 11 of them....
1. Unsafe people think they "have it all together" instead of admitting their weaknesses.
2. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
3. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
4. Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble.
5.Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
6. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
7. Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
8.Unsafe people believe they are perfect, instead of admitting their faults.
9. Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
10. Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
11.Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
There are also 9 interpersonal traits of unsafe people.
1. Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
2.Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "WE".
3.Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
4.Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
5. Unsafe people condemns us instead of forgiving us.
6.Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
7.Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
8.Unsafe people are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
9.Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.
Well...wasn't that interesting...well the book actually talks about us ALL doing some of these at times in our lives...but it also really focuses on recognizing TRUE unsafe people...and why we are attracted to them...how to move past those relationships (all of our relationships...this isn't just a dating book..it is about ALL our relationships) and how to forgive and make better choices!
I could see myself in some of the personal and interpersonal traits a few times in my life...as I am sure we all can...each chapter defines the difference between being a truly unsafe person...and doing some of the listed traits on occasion, and how to not continue to repeat those traits!
So...God gives me a bunch of books to read...and some devotionals lately all about forgiveness, making better choices, being true to the woman He created me to be...and how to recognize unsafe people and how to set up the "right" boundaries in my life. I love how God works. When He sees areas of our lives He wants to bless us in...He peels away layers of yuck..so He can work in us...and continue and finish the good work He has started in us. Thank God He doesn't just pull all the layers off at one time...I would freak!!!! We all would!!!! He peels us like an onion...and works on changing us and making us who He designed us to be...little by little....so that it stays!!!! So we learn His lessons and live it as a life style!!!
Now my goal..call it maybe...my New Year goal...is to see the unsafe people in my life...learn how not to be an unsafe person...how to move on...to forgive and heal and to move forward and be who God wants me to be...and irresistible woman of God! And be this person in all my relationships!!! Wouldn't that be awesome!!!!
Theses books are NOT about changing other people...they are about our own safety...our own choices, our ability to forgive, to move on..to grow!!!! I want to do this. If I can be a better me...then I am a better woman, a better daughter, a better mother, a better sister, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better whoever God has created me to be....so maybe I should change the word better to healthier and happier!!!! Just a thought.
So listed below is also a devotional on forgiveness...thought this was awesome!!! We all need this reminder too...cause we ALL struggle with forgiveness.
So I guess maybe God really was showing me my New Year's wish and goal for 2009...I love how God just puts things together....awesome!!
Love you all,
Lorrie

If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come offer your sacrifice to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT)


Yesterday I swept the mahogany dark wood floors in my house. I worked with so much energy it might have looked like I was a clean freak or, at the very least, industrious. I am neither of those things. In fact, I really didn’t even notice the dust bunnies flying through the air. I was hurt, trying to sweep away harsh words spoken the day before by a friend.I had spent most of the morning mulling over the words from the day before, wondering why I didn’t say somet hing. Wondering why she did. I finally put on some music, took out the broom, and asked God for His grace because mine didn’t seem to be big enough at the moment.I’ve heard people throw out advice on forgiveness as if dispensing aspirin. They casually say things like, “Jesus forgave, why don’t you?” The reality is that you and I aren’t Jesus. It’s an uneven journey at best as we accept His grace and strive to learn from His example. The practice of living a forgiving lifestyle can be an ominous task. There is incredible freedom in living a life of mercy, but it’s not something that we just find along the way. It’s a purposeful intent to move beyond the burden and restrictions of bitterness, anger, rage, or unresolved emotions tied to a person or event.Forgiveness is a bridge I thought I had crossed and yet here I was again. I had forgiven an abusive, dysfunctional childhood. I understand the joy and freedom that comes through forgiving oth ers. So why was the small stuff tripping me up? Perhaps it is because I am still growing, a process that will never stop.Jesus met a man who was paralyzed. His friends brought him to Jesus on a mat. The need was obvious, but instead of healing his legs Jesus said, “Your sins are forgiven.” (Matthew 9: 2 NLT) Isn’t it interesting that He addressed the issue of the man’s heart before attending to his physical body?He hasn’t changed. He still sees my heart. I have forgiven - but I will continue to become a forgiver as I meet life’s challenges. To do that, I have to give myself a little grace, but also invite Him into the process.Maybe you’re like I once was; dealing with the hurts of the past and forgiveness seems impossible. Forgiving doesn’t mean that abuse can continue or that what happened is okay. What it does mean is that you are ready to live life free of entanglements to the past.Maybe you have grappled w ith the big issues and they no longer hold power over you, but the little stuff is the big stuff and you are tired of it.Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us”. As I talked with my Savior, He settled in and made Himself at home in the situation. Yesterday my house got cleaned, but so did my heart.What happens when we are willing to forgive? It moves us one step closer to deep-seated faith marked by grace.

Dear Lord, Help me to forgive one person today. I lift up my heart. I won’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt, but I am willing to forgive. I’m not always big enough, but You are and I am grateful. I won’t forgive based on a person’s response, or even what is fair, but instead I will trust that You desire my heart to be free so that You can love in and through me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.


Related Resources:Do You Know Him?Sandpaper People: Dealing with the Ones Who Rub You the Wrong Way by Mary Southerland
The Woman I am Becoming by T. Suzanne Eller
Visit Suzie’s Blog
Application Steps:No matter whether it is a big or small issue, invite God into the situation today.Reflections:Think about unforgiveness as a wall. We build it around our heart to keep people from hurting us. What keeps you inside that wall?What can we miss when we live in a fortress?You don’t offer forgiveness to hear someone say they are sorry. It’s nice if it happens, but even if it doesn’t it’s foundational to wholeness - in you!
Power Verses:1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love does not demand its own way. [Love] is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” (NLT)© 2009 by T.Suzanne Eller. All rights reserved. You are subscribed as: lmdlmw2005@hotmail.comProverbs 31 Ministries616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road, Matthews, NC 28105877-P31-HOME (877-731-4663)