Do I Even Make Sense?????

Today is November 9th, 2008. It is Sunday afternoon here in Forest Lake Mn. It has been quite a day so far today. I am sitting here in front of my computer wondering if I even make sense. Sense about what you are wondering??? About me. Let me give you a little run down about today and the thoughts I have pondered, and the feelings I have struggled with today.
I got up this morning at 0500 bright and early. I felt a tug in my heart..hm...what is that about...not sure..but I knew that I felt close to tears. As one who believes in the power of the Holy Spirit, I paused...wondering if I was being led to pray about something or someone. My thoughts turned to Judi and the Outreach in Ukraine..so I prayed for God to move mightily in the Outreach...but the tug was still there. I wondered about it while letting the hot water comfort me in the shower. Okay...what is this tug. Could I be feeling a tug because of my kids??? After a quick analysis..nope...that wasn't it. Hmmmm...dressing for church...I felt drawn to the gorgeous Ukrainian scarf that Judi gave me before leaving Ukraine. Yep...I was going to bring it and wear it with my leather jacket...the purples in the scarf didn't match the purple in my blouse...but when I tried to take it off...I lost the feeling of warmth it had been giving me and I felt a chill and I wrapped the scarf around me once again. Out the door to church. It was dark and cold...yet as I drove to church I felt warm...singing will do that to you...and I was full of song this morning...so by the time I was at church my vocal chords were well oiled. Still the tug. It felt like a wrenching in my heart. As I looked over the music we were singing for worship, I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. Hmmmm...so this was a God thing. Okay...what??? Then I looked at the run down sheet that listed the songs we were singing...at the top was the sentence...International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. Oh. No wonder I was so drawn to the scarf. Sure it probably does sound weird to some...but I really believe that God speaks to us and tries to get our attention. My thoughts turned to my precious loved ones in Ukraine. Singing today was such an emotional thing for me. Tears were stinging my eyes frequently. Yet, in the midst of my heart wrenching for the millions who love Jesus and are persecuted, beaten, raped, killed or imprisoned, I was also smiling about the joy I have in my heart about how God is blessing me now. I am so thankful for what God has , is and continues to do in my life. So you would think that the tug would have gone away, right? Not remotely. I am driving home from church and have to stop at Target for something and as I am driving, my thoughts turn to my book. No...not the one I am reading. The one I was writing. Yep...shortly after I started flying for North AirCare, I started writing a book...my life...what God was doing...what heartaches I was overcoming...and the new joys and hopes that I was discovering. Well, I didn't finish the book...I had come to the chapter dealing with Matthew's deployment to Iraq...and since he was still there...I wasn't about to write about him until he was home safe and sound. He came home, I didn't finish the book. So why were my thoughts turning to that stupid book that I gave up on writing? What gives??? Could it be that I was still feeling the emotions from the night before when I was talking about that deployment? I had actually talked about it a little and when I could feel the emotions creeping up...subject change...whew. Was it possible that the thoughts on the book had more to do with those feelings that resurfaced last night...hmmm...more to think about. After leaving Target, I found myself suddenly thinking about my poetry. I haven't written anything since Matthew had left for Iraq. Yet it wasn't the soldier poem that I was thinking about. It was another one...a very sad one. It was called Shattered. I wrote on poetry . com occasionally. Often times it was a way to work through a tough time, or a tough call. Many people have read them and not quite understood them...thinking I was always writing about relationships...that was far from the case...often it had to do with life, love and God. And not just about me...sometimes I wrote about the terrible things I saw in my job. Anyway...I found myself searching the depths of my mind to recall the words to this poem. I wondered as I was driving .... is this tug in my heart because I feel like the words in my poem??? Nope...that wasn't it...so what was up with this tug, the scarf, the reminder of my book that is unfinished, and the poem Shattered???? Here is the poem by the way:


Shattered
It used to stand high on a hill for all to enjoy.
A tower of beauty, radiant and vibrant.
All who gazed upon it were filled with awe and wonder.
A beacon of hope, steady and strong.
Shattered by a single stone thrown carelessly at its base.
A heap of rubble, ugly and broken.
Will no one help rebuild it?
I weep for all that's lost.

Lorrie Michelle Durbin

Yeah I know...kinda a dark poem. Well it isn't about what you might think....it isn't about my marriage that ended...it wasn't written in regards to any relationship I had experienced. I wrote this poem about dreams. The dreams that people have. Not the ones that you have while sleeping. The ones that God places in the depths of your heart..the ones that you yearn to have fulfilled. I wrote this about people who watch their dreams shatter...no...sorry it wasn't just about me...it was about everyone. Sure I have had my dreams shattered a time or two...or a hundred...but it was written thinking about people who become broken and damaged by the loss of their dreams. So...what does that have to do with everything I have written so far...I don't think I know yet. That is why I am wondering if I even make sense. So let's see if I can find the point or points God is trying to make here.
First of all..the mission trip to Ukraine changed me. It opened my heart up to be broken...a heart break of loving people that lived with so little and had suffered so greatly. Thus the tug about the scarf...God telling me to remember them , to always be the real me and never forget the lessons learned there.
Second of all, the book. Well, glancing through the chapters a short time ago...I found that I had changed in who I am from who I was in the book...I had grown, and become stronger and yet more transparent...I saw the trials God had brought me through and that He is always faithful...no matter what..God is faithful...and waiting for us to trust Him...very good! And I found myself thinking that I could probably start writing again..that there were more chapters to be written...and more could be said about my stories of life, love and hope. The tug to the book...reminding me that He has always been with me. And that He has more to add to the story of my life....more!!! That is an awesome word!!!
Thirdly, the remembering of my poem Shattered....a reminder that just because dreams can be damaged, broken or destroyed...it is better to have the hope to dream then to live in a land of a shattered life. My life isn't shattered. My life is precious and beautiful...just as I am precious and beautiful. Should any of us continue to dream, risking their destruction at any time??? YES!!! Because the story isn't over.
So have I made any sense?? Maybe...does it make sense to you?? Maybe, maybe not...but what I do know is this...I am beautiful, God has healed me from my heartaches, and my heart is still filled with the longings of those dreams deep within. Dreams I have for myself, for my friends, for my family here and my loved ones in Ukraine, for Winny ( my child that I support and pray for in Peru through Compassion Int'l), for my kids...and for those whom I love and those I will love. Maybe today's tugs were just a reminder from God that He isn't finished yet...and to keep dreaming.
Whew...got all that written...and now I am off for a nap.
Dreaming for us all!
Lorrie :)