Say what you mean and mean what you say!

Over the past few months, this phrase: say what you mean and mean what you say..has become more and more frequent out of many of my friend's and family's mouth....including my own mouth. Seems that the power of words has become a very important issue lately. I would agree. Misunderstandings can happen so quickly when we are not conscious of our word choices. We all have found ourselves in the middle of a difficult situation when we have jumped to conclusions or assumed we understood what someone is saying ...when in reality...we weren't quite sure. Or here is another situation...the person speaking...talks in circles or is very vague...now how are we suppose to understand or interpret anything???? It happens with co-workers, with family and friends, with children and with spouses..significant others..ect....and we all know what happens...boom goes the bomb...and pretty soon there are misunderstandings...hurt feelings...and apprehension. How do we survive through these situations. This is something I have been talking about with my own daughter...explaining to her the power of her words...and how she can make word choices that will not create confusion, conflict or misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sounds easy but it isn't. It does take work. Sometimes these situations happen so often that a person starts becoming scared to even speak. I have found that out on occasion as well. Bottom line...when someone says something that sounds really vague, or is confusing...or they seem to be waffling in their words...ask for clarafication...repeat back what they said to them so that you both get what was said. But maybe it requires more than that. Just maybe we need to stop being afraid of the people we talk to ...and be honest. We don't have to be mean or cruel...but maybe if you are waffling about trying to explain something you don't feel comfortable with or you want someone to stop doing something...just say something like "right now I am just uncomfortable with this...and I will let you know when I am not...but for now please don't do....(whatever that thing is)...sounds pretty simple right? Then why don't we do this? How often don't we find ourselves in a situation where we are back tracking and saying..."what I meant was...." well then maybe those words should have been said to begin with..and then the misunderstanding wouldn't happen. I tell Lindsey this often..."I can't read your mind and figure out what you mean...so say what you mean." I have trouble with this myself. But I am getting better. Mainly because I stay engaged in the conversation I am having with the person...so since I am paying attention...I can pick up on clues as to the "feel" of the conversation. Takes work. What makes this situation worse is when the person seems to be all over the place trying to explain what they mean...and then they back track and then they get frustrated...and what do we do??? We make things worse by jumping on them for the back tracking...and then they get mad because we jumped to conclusions and now the whole thing is a mess.....sounds like canoing through sludge doesn't it!!
I have always appreciated truth. It is very important to me..and I try to speak in truth as well as receive truth. I try to make myself approachable to receiving truth too!
But that brings me to the second part of the phrase...mean what you say. That is where trust comes into play. When someone speaks to you and tells you how they feel about something or even how they feel about you....ect....it takes trust on our part to believe them. How many times have you had someone tell you they were going to do something or you can count on them...and then when you are left waiting for them to follow through...it doesn't happen. All of us have experienced that...and probably many, many times. First couple times it happens...you shrug it off as an accident, or value the excuse they give you...but how do you do that everytime and not get mad??? One way is to set a clear and precise boundary of expectation. If something is important to me...I should be able to express it to the person it involves. Setting that clear expectation can really eliminate misunderstandings....but not always. Sometimes you can tell someone a phrase over and over and they don't get it. What then??? Then maybe you need to flat out ask them..."when you say that phrase....it sounds like...(whatever the thing is) and I don't want to jump to conclusions...and it sounds like you mean...(whatever it sounds like) and so now I am wondering what is and isn't acceptable...because I am trying to take you at your word and trust your words..and so I would really like it if you could make things very simple, very clear and very detailed so that I get what you are saying." Yeah that sounds like a long statement...but better that then getting into misunderstandings right???? If you are not comfortable with what someone is doing...say those words...not...I am not used to that....and then act all uncomfortable about the fact they continue to do the thing...THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT CLEAR! Hello..it takes personal accountability to communicate. And why be surprised when they question the truth of your words...when you don't follow through with what you say you are going to do....why should that suprise you....the person feels lied to by you...because you didnt follow through. Hello.....it isn't that hard to get. And saying one thing one time to someone...then saying something just the opposite...yeah..that creates confusion...and the person on the receiving end doesn't know what to think, feel or believe. Talk about frustration right???!!! Well, these things can all be avoided in our daily lives by just speaking plainly and clearly...not being all flowery or trying to impress someone...saying what you mean...and meaning it. Bottom line....no games, no joking around and not understanding why the other person didn't get it...no assuming or jumping to conclusions...just speak plainly. Wouldn't we all have better and healthier relationships with the people in our lives if we did this. It has really helped things with my own daughter and I. And also in many of my friendships...and I am still trying to apply this concept to other relationships in my life.
I don't know what you situation is in regard to this topic...but wouldn't it be great if truth was valued...respect was given and people were just real.
After hearing so much on this subject over the last few weeks...thought maybe I should blog on it...
Just a thought!
Lorrie