Alone...or Lonely..are they the same???

I logged on to my email this morning and read a devotional I receive from Proverbs 31.org and found a topic very familiar to my heart. The subject of the devotional was about loneliness. Wow...have I battled the fear of being alone and being lonely. But I learned over the last year that there is a difference between the two. One of my biggest fears for the last 8 years is that I would end up alone..once all my children were grown and living on their own. So often in our society, people judge others worth by whether they are married or not. Often times looking at the single as if not one wanted them...as if they were lacking in some way. In reality...that is our own interpretation...and not that of others. During the last 8 years I have always associated being alone with being lonely. But there really is a difference.
I have been divorced going on 9 years....Feb. 20 2009 will be 9 years. And during that time I have had a few relationships...all were instrumental in bringing me into a place of healing. Not a one of them ended with a marriage..and fortunately one ended before any harm came to myself or my daughter...all brought heartache...and out of all of them I grew and have healed from the many hurts I have endured in life. For that I am grateful! But like I said before, I have battled the fear of being alone and always thought of is as the same as being lonely. Yet when I look back at my marriage...I can say I know what loneliness is. I was married...but not viewed as worthy nor supported or encouraged in anything that I enjoyed. As long as I did the things my husband enjoyed...then there was companionship...but when it came to anything of interest to myself...I was alone...and thus I became lonely in my marriage. This can happen sometimes when two people just lose track of what is important in a marriage...the value of each other. I was the giver...the cheerleader..the encourager...the helper...the nurturer....and he was the receiver. After the last round of counseling it became evident that he didn't have a clue...after 16 years of marriage...what needs or desires I had. And he was angry that I was no longer his cheerleader! That kind of relationship become one of loneliness and isolation....abuse survives and even thrives in this type of relationship. So I chose to be alone...and live...instead of lonely and continue to die.
It has been a long and winding road for sure! But God opened every door I needed when I needed it...to help me back to the land of living and not just surviving...but thriving!!! And I am thankful! I have been raising Lindsey by myself for the past 6 years here in Minnesota. Let me just say...I know about trials and tears!
It has taken me until about the last year to figure out that being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely! Yes...let me say that again...being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. The growth and healing I have had in the last year especially, has made it very clear to me that I am okay being alone. I love who I am. I have had to step out there...become transparent and vulnerable in the making of friends and developing relationships. Not all attempts have been successful nor have they all been lasting either. I have learned that my friends and family can not be everything to me 100 % of the time...but that it doesn't mean that I have been rejected...it just means they have a life to live as well and I have to be respectful of their lives.
This past year, I have grown to cherish my times alone...doing some of the things I always wanted to do...spending the time totally devoted to being a mom...a woman and a Christian. So I can say now that I no longer fear being alone. I have learned to embrace the person I am...and I no longer fear who Lorrie is. But honestly...it has taken lots of time...lots of healing...lots of overcoming...and lots of standing on the promises of my Lord and Savior!!!! And I have come to realize...that I AM NOT ALONE!!!
Now...what about lonely???? That is an awful feeling. I know how it feels to be lonely in a crowd of people...in a marriage and also as a single woman. When those feelings of loneliness have come upon me....it has clouded my vision of being alone...and I have ended up linking the two of them together...as meaning one in the same. But let me be very clear....they are NOT one in the same.
So how do we address being lonely? How do we survive the moments of loneliness that can seem to steal whatever joy you have been enjoying in your life? How do we overcome loneliness. How do we deal with the emotions that accompany loneliness?
First of all let me be very clear....God made us with emotions and feelings. Telling someone what they "SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT FEEL" is absolutely unacceptable. You are in fact telling them that the feelings and emotions they are experiencing are not of value...you are demeaning them! Often times as Christians ...we want to put a quick fix on someone's hurts and so we say things to them...probably not ever intending to cause more harm...but in fact it causes more injury...and many times the person suffering pulls back and becomes more isolated....thus increasing the feelings of loneliness. The power of words is really incredible...words can destroy and words can heal...what are your words doing??? And what are the words you are speaking to yourself doing???
I can't tell you not to be lonely...I can't tell you how not to be lonely...but I can encourage you to bring that loneliness to God. No matter how many times you have to bring it to Him. Sure, sometimes we "feel" like God isn't listening...that He doesn't hear you and that He definately doesn't want to help you. Yep...I have felt that many times. But let me say this...I kept bringing before Him...much like a record with a skip in it...repeating over and over and over...my fear of being alone...and I had many moments of wondering if God was really trying to say to me "Yes Lorrie...you deserve to be alone..and I am not going to hear your prayers about this anymore." But honestly..those where the lies I was telling myself. No one...and I mean NO ONE likes it when God says No...or not now...or wait!!! None of us jumps up and down all happy, shouting Wooo Hooo when God says no...or wait!!! But it does help to develop in us character, patience, endurance...and faith.
I can't be your quick fix on loneliness. But I can tell you that when moments of loneliness fall upon me...I continue to take those feelings and emotions...and bring them to my God. I know how faithful He has been in every other area of my life...those are other blogs for another day....so I know that I know that I know....God is faithful and will hear me...and see me...and He loves me....even when I am suffering in loneliness.
Let me share one more thing with you. I have really refrained from writing much in my blogs lately about my personal life...a.k.a....dating life. Many of you do know I have been dating a gentleman for about a month...and I really like him. Let me just say a little thing about this for a minute. Neither one of us where really looking for this to happen for us. We both had become pretty adjusted to being single....and yes...had times of loneliness...but being okay with where God had us in our lives....but although I was adjusted to this...my prayers still contained the request for God to let me be a wife again to someone...let me say that again...I would ask God to change me and make me into a woman who would be a loving and respectful wife...I stopped asking God for a husband over a year ago...I realized about a year ago...I wanted God to create in me the heart of a wife. Do you all have any idea how long I have prayed to be married??? Since the day of my divorce! Almost 9 years. That is a long time. But through that time, God changed and healed me. Now...don't jump to conclusions....we are not getting married any time soon....but we are both on the same page about wanting a future...and are hoping for one together. Awesome!!!! What I am finding is that I am finally just enjoying the journey...and don't feel like I have to race to the marriage...cause the prize is really the journey!!!! And I am definately loving the journey...and loving getting to know this true gentleman. Neither of us are perfect...both of us have a past....both of us have had tragedy in life...and both have experienced great joys as well!!! And for reasons only known to God...right in the middle of us both feeling okay with being single, God opened a door and put us both in that room together...and for some reason...we both decided to take the chance...become vulnerable...and let God show us what He has in store for us. I don't know the ending of this story...but I do know that I really like being in this story. That is all I am going to say about him. I don't ever want to us this blog to discuss the intimate details of my relationship with him....that would be very inappropriate and disprespectful...especially when we may be going through struggles....but I will interject my private life at times as how it pertains to my heart...and what God has, is and will do.
The devotional listed below is meant as an encouragement....many of us have moments of loneliness...questioning if even God loves us or wants us...let me share this with you...let me share God's promises with you...no matter what your situation is right now.
I share it out of love and hope for you....and for me.
Love you
Lorrie

December 11, 2008

Does God Really Care about Me?
Lysa TerKeurst

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.”
Psalm 61:1-4 (NIV)

Devotion:
Do you ever feel lonely? Recently, I was at an event full of people. Everyone else seemed gabby and like they were effortlessly making easy connections with others. I just felt out of sorts. Someone had said something to me earlier that day that hurt my feelings and knocked me off kilter. It was one of those, “I would really like to be at home alone, in a bubble bath, eating something chocolate” kind of nights. But I had to go to this outing, so here I was – feeling lonely.

My shifting emotions caused me to get in such a down state, I even started wondering if God cared about me.
I politely smiled my way through the evening, and finally got to go home. As I crawled into bed that night, I asked Jesus, “Why am I letting some thoughtless comment made by someone affect me like this?” There was no deep explanation. There was no Bible verse that instantly popped into my head. There was no sudden rush of peace through my heart. Only a very gentle reminder in the depths of my soul that Jesus loves me - insecurities and all. Jesus loves me, that simple little song I learned all those years ago. Very simple, yet so powerfully profound, that one statement grounds me in the truth of who God says I am. Friends can’t make you feel accepted all the time. Accomplishments will never truly make you feel secure. Having lots of people around you does not mean you won’t ever feel lonely. And chocolate, while it is deliciously distracting, is just a little too temporary. So, I turn to the One who is Everlasting, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel - God with us. I draw close to Him so He can help me separate solid truth from shifting emotion.

See if you can identify with any of the shifting emotions listed below. Then, rejoice as you read God’s solid truths upon which we can find a firm place to stand and a sure place to park our feelings.

Shifting Emotion:
I don’t always feel noticed by other people. Everyone just seems to be wrapped up in their own lives. Sometimes I even wonder if God notices me.

Solid Truth:
God not only notices us, He is with us at all times. We are to keep ourselves in God’s love whether we feel Him or not. By praying, and filling our minds with God’s truth, His love will grow in us and through us. Then we won’t be so consumed with wanting others to notice us. We will become people who notice others and let God’s love shine on them. Jude 1:20-21, “But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.” (NIV)

Shifting Emotion:
I don’t feel very loved. Therefore, I don’t feel like being very loving towards others.

Solid Truth:
We are dearly loved by God. His love enables us to display compassion, kindness and patience even when we don’t feel like it. Colossians 3:12, “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (NIV)Shifting Emotion:
Does God really care about this situation I’m in?

Solid Truth:
God is with us. As we cry out to Him, we are reminded of His help. Proverbs 61:1-4, “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” (NIV)

Dear Lord, Help me rid my mind and heart of the doubts shifting emotions cause, and be filled with only Your solid truths. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Visit Lysa TerKeurst’s blog to enter to win a resource package

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young

What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst

Application Steps:
Print these solid truths off and carry them with you. When shifting emotions start to tug at your heart, be reminded of God’s truths that can turn around any situation.

Reflections:
What are some other verses that might specifically apply to areas of struggle for you right now?

How might it help to keep these verses close at hand and reflect on them often?

Power Verses:
Matthew 7:24-25, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” (NIV)


© 2008 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

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