Recalling His Promises

I am writing very heavy hearted this morning. I don't really have an answer as to why yet...but I have had this heaviness in my heart for a couple of weeks. I have been waiting for it to disappear..but it remains. I fall asleep at night with tears on my cheeks...and do not know the complete reasoning why. I awake in the morning..and it is still there. Let me tell you something...I have thought about this situation many times throughout my days. I have reviewed my relationship with family, kids, close friends....all to find that except for a few things...all is well within my relationship with them. I also find that although I am still very much the real me...laughing, smiling...having fun...in the deepest place of my heart...there is a pain. It was really plaguing me last night. What is wrong!!!

As I crawled into bed last night the tears arrived right on time...and I layed there trying to pray...but nothing moved in my brain...no words formed ....no prayers ....just silence...and the weight of pain in my heart....that is when I found my voice...when it felt that the weight was about to overwhelm me...I cried..."I am scared Lord. I am sooo afraid. I don't know what to do." That was it. Fear. Let me tell you something...I have had to deal with a great deal of fear in my life and Praise God...overcome most of it...so you would think I would be a pro at recognizing fear when it was seizing my heart....not so much. It crept in very quietly...and set up shop before I even knew what was happening. So last night..I just prayed for God to give me direction and strength to continue and to battle this fear.

When I woke up and laid there in bed a few minutes...checking myself internally...yes...the weight was still there....okay...enough!!!! After getting Linds to school this morning, I sat down at my desk and reached for what I should have been reaching for all along! My bible. As I opened it...it flipped right open to a very very familiar page. It was the scripture God had given me 3 years ago. Isaiah 43: 18-19:
Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old,
Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth,
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

I just sat there this morning...and let this reminder wash over me. Who I am is not found in my job, in where I live, in who my friends are, in who I date, in being a mother....who I am is found in Christ Jesus. I felt like I had been away on a long journey and was finally home! Yep..got a little teary!!!
As I reread the message written for that scripture by TD Jakes in my bible...I was encouraged...
It reads:
Letting Go
Never forget how to let go. It may be a person, a thing or a moment that you can never repeat. Nothing challenges our ability to let go like death. It wrenches from our hands a loved one to whom we would cling forever if we could. When you stand over a casket that is being lowered into the ground, truth slaps you in the face. The person you loved is gone.
For Christians, death is a portal that enables us to move from one realm of existence into another. Eventually death will knock on the door no matter who we arel It helps a little to know that it will come. When in does, God will give you grace to accept what cannot be changed. That same grace will empower you as you learn to cope with changes among the living. Grace empowers us to continue and experience with God's help. Why don' t you ask Him for the grace you need to accept the things that you cannot change? When He gives it to you, get on with your life.
Each experience has its own value if you do not close your eyes to where you are, trying foolishly to be where you have already been. I know life can feel terribly unstable and vulnerable when you accept change. But I am so glad God ever remains the same. He is the stability that enables us to adjust to the variables of life.
If you recognize areas in your life where you have been guilty of resisting change, stop right where you are and allow God to cleanse your heart from the fear of change. Know in your spirit that something good is going to come out of it. Take it in stride and start planning ways you can enjoy where you are. Maybe you have been neglecting your children, husband or job. You want to go back to the past. But you are also missing the good things that God has prepared for you today.
Our faith teaches us to trust God. He doesn't change, but His methods of ministering to you will change over and over again. Do not worry. He will give you what you need when you need it. He may not bring it the same way twice. But why do you care how He does is as long as you know He does it? Leave the hows in the hands of the great One who is able to control the circumstances in your life. Repent of manipulating those with whom you associate. Let them go. You have no right to hold anyone a prisoner in the jail cell of your fears, not even yourself. Let yourself go. You have been imprisoned from what God wants to give you most, a new experience in Christ Jesus!

So as I read that message..it really spoke to my heart. All the issues in my heart...all the fears...the worries...I have to let them go. Doesn't mean I won't still think on them...or FEEL THEM, cause I will.....I will still cry over the concern I have about Braylynn and his health...I can't smile all the time...pretending to be happy for the sake of others who don't want to or don't know how to handle the depths of a woman's heart.
I will still be concerned and saddened about my oldest daughter silently waiting and hoping for a marriage and a wedding...when she has laid her heart out freely to him...and he took it...and everything else she has offered...and has not respected the desires of her heart....when I think of that situation I find myself realizing that men have such power and control over the desires of a woman's heart...they really do. We grow up desiring love and marriage and we throw our hearts out in hope of receiving the love and marriage...only to have those desires treaded heavily upon by a man's contempt. It makes me believe that a man should ask permission to have a woman's heart...and that she should guard her heart ferociously until he does ask. I didn't know when raising Alison, that I should have taught her to guard her heart...and now I watch her sit in silence...hoping for someday!! Yes she makes that choice...but he has all the power to give or destroy her heart's desire...so she waits...hoping.
I am learning this late in life...but now that I know...I am passing this on to Linds. I have never been good at guarding my heart...a lesson slowly learned I guess. Even now...today...I give it out so quickly...but at least now I see that I should be more careful...and I am reeling in my heart and building the fortess to protect it until a man asks for my heart...when that happens...gladly and freely I will give it...It is my hope to help my Linds to be more careful with her heart for she has a deep heart like mine.
God created us with hearts and emotions...and mine are just deep. But that doesn't make me too much to deal with. It just means I am true to who God created me to be...and He doesn't create crap! But it also means that I can not hold onto harmful things like fear, jealousy and anger.
I am encouraged by the reminder of His...my God's promises...He is always faithful. He is always good...even when life is hard...God is always good!!!
So I don't know how things will play out. But I know who I can trust. It is scary to be in the unknown. But I am not alone. I am hopeful for Braylynn and Matthew and Alison and Lindsey. I am hopeful for Sharon who is battling cancer and having a bone marrow transplant. I am hopeful for my friends. Being hopeful for those I love is easy. Being hopeful for me...that is harder. But God is faithful.
I am not an easy person. I live passionately and through my heart. It gets me into trouble. But I am happy I have a heart. This past week has shown me my flaws...and they are many...but God is showing me how to overcome them...and let go of them...and to be better.
I have been a mother for 25 years...and so I have 25 years of deeply loving my kids. They are precious to me...and I am learning every day more and more about being a mother. Even when there is struggle and pain. I am grateful to be a mom.
I am very grateful for being a 45 year old woman...every mountain and valley has been worth it...I love who I am...and am trying every day to be better and not hurt those around me. I am even learning to have patience with myself. Amazing isn't it!
I am learning something new as well. I am learning that I have no clue how to date anyone. This is completely new country for me. I am hopeful. I am willing. I am praying for patience...patience for myself. I am praying for forgiveness when I mess up. I am praying for my heart...in the hopes that someday....it will be sought after and asked for...and that I will freely give it!
So now I am feeling the fear...the weight starting to disappear within my heart. I have no final answers....but I have reassurance that God is faithful.
Thank you Lord for reminding me of Your promises....You are good all the time!!!
Love you all
Lorrie