Courage in the face of being man and woman

Okay...I am taking a risk here today. I am going to write a blog that may really anger some women. But I think it has to be written...at least I need to write about it. Actually, someone ...several people have written about this and I have read several of these peoples books...and when I awoke this morning...my brain was on a quest to find certain passages from one of these books. Maybe it was to refresh my own memory...maybe it was to be a reminder to me as I journey down this incredible road of relationship with the man in my life...and maybe it was to be an encouragement to my friends...and/or all women. I am going to go with ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Here is the thing that is going to maybe tick off a few women....stop expecting a man to be a woman. Stop expecting them to be more like us...relationally. Their quest is not the same as ours. Now...wait a minute...let me expand that statement before you call me up or write nasty things....what I am not saying is that men don't have to treat us with respect and dignity, tenderness and adoration....what I am saying is they were not designed to always be relational and "in tune" to the emotions of "the touchy, feelyness" of women's hearts. They have a man's heart..and a man's way of thinking...and maybe if we stop expecting them to be more like us...they will be more like the men God created them to be...and be true to what man is...and then the intimate fit between a man and woman will exist and be strong and unyeilding to attempts to destroy it. Okay....I am also not excusing the actions of men who choose the path of coward and abuser either. There is no excuse to rudeness, lies, manipulation, cowardness and abusive behavior...not from either a man or a woman. But I truly believe that in the heart of a man is this inherent desire to be the strong, couragous champion...and to capture the heart of his one true love. Yeah...sounds sappy...and full of oowie gooie "love"....but let me explain and show you something that made an incredible difference in my expectations and beliefs in what God created man to be...and what God created woman to be.
A few years ago I read a couple books on men and women. One was called Captivating...many of you have heard of it...very scriptural and truth based book on women, who they were created to be, how that has changed, the wounds we have suffered and our greatest fears. And yes...we women battle with a fear that we will never be good enough for the man in our life...and that we are just too much to deal with because we live through a heart of emotions...just the way God created us to live. That is our fear. We fear that no man will ever want us because we are NOT like them...we were created for relationship and love...and a woman's heart can be a very terrifying place for a man to be...and many times we women have really cause horrible wounds to a man when they give us their own hearts...terrible cycle...and it causes men to fear the heart of a woman...and women to not trust the heart of a man. Not what God had intended at all.
Then I read the other book that goes with Captivating...called Wild at Heart..Discovering the secret to a Man's Soul. Let me just say that when I first started reading this book it was because I was really angry and hating men...I had suffered some very deep wounds and I believed that only by understanding what God had intended man and woman to be...would I find healing and more importantly...hope of believing that I could really trust a man's heart again...not trusting was very unhealthy for me. Let me also say...this book "Wild At Heart"...really ticked me off more than a few times...because it went against so much of what I had been raised to believe about a man...and what I believed about men due to the suffering I had experienced by their own hands or treachery. BUT....then things began to make sense for me. Can't tell you the number of times I reread chapters in both of these books....hmmmm....and I had to admit deep in my heart that I had always longed to be the woman God created woman to be....and that the three desires essential to a woman's heart were there deep in mine. Which meant...that I had to learn how to be that woman and stop trying to make a man be like me...and I had to accept and allow a man to be "a man"...one after God's own heart...one that God designed him to be...with his own desires that make us who he is. Meant I had to stop trying to control every man in my life....and I had to become vulnerable to the possibility of being wounded once in a while by man because he is a man with a man's heart and not a woman's heart. Let me tell you...that hasn't come easy for me....my life is filled with some great wounds dished out by men...but it only got worse when I tried to control them and "change" them into who I wanted them to be. Big mistake for me...big mistake for women in general. I am talking about changing them in their core being...not asking them to please help clean up things or participating in something we like and they are not that interested in...I am talking about trying to change the core of who a man is....that should never be done.
Okay..who is mad at me yet???? Please let me say ....that in becoming vulnerable with a man...yes...we are going to get trampled sometimes. It will happen. It will hurt...VERY DEEPLY AND HORRIBLY. But when a man is treacherous with a woman...he is no man...he is a coward. Let me make that very clear!!!
So today...I wanted to share a few key points from this book Wild At Heart...things about the core of a man....the core of a woman...and about courage....
John Elderidge writes...
"There are three desires I find written so deeply into my heart I know now I can no longer disregard them without losing my soul. They are core to who and what I am and yearn to be. I gaze into boyhood, I search the pages of literature, I listen carefully to many, many men, and I am convinced these desires are universal, a clue into masculinity itself. They may be misplaced, forgotten, or misdirected, but in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. I want you to think of the films men love, the things they do with their free time, and especially the aspirations of little boys and see if I am not right on this.
A Battle To Fight
Capes and swords, camouflage, bandannas and six shooters...these are the uniforms of boyhood. Little boys yearn to know they are powerful, they are dangerous, they are someone to be reckoned with. Aggression is part of the masculine design, we are hardwirred for it. If we believe that man is made in the image of God, then we would do well to remember that "the LORD is a warrior, the LORD is his name" ( Ex. 15:3)
Little girls do not invent games where large numbers of people die, where bloodshed is a prerequisite for having fun. A boy wants to atack something...and so does a man. He wasnt to whack something into kingdom come. On the other hand, boys do not sit down to tea parties, or call friends on the phone to talk abou relationships. They grown bored of games that have no element of danger or competition or bloodshed. Cooperative games based on "relational interdependence" are complete nonsense. "No one is killed?" they ask....."No one wins???" The boy is a warrior, the boy is his name...When boys play at war they are rehearsing their part in a much bigger drama. One day, you just might need that boy to defend you.
Like it or not...there is something fierce in the heart of every man.
He goes on to write about in the depths of every man's heart is the desire for adventure. Adventure requires something of men..it puts them to the test. He writes...
Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes. There is something wild in the heart of every man.
He also writes about the third thing...the beauty to rescue.
He writes....There is nothing so inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman. She'll make you want to charge the castle, slay the giant, leap across the parapets. A man wants to be the hero to the beauty.
He goes on to list lots of examples...but he ends with this statement..
There is something passionate in the hearts of every man.
Then he writes about the feminine heart...(this is soooo true...this is the woman I am...and have always wanted to be!)
There are three desires that I have found essential to a woman's heart, which are not entirely different from a man's, yet thery remain distinctly feminine. Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for. Listen to the longings of a woman's heart: She wants to be more than noticed...she wants to be "wanted". She wants to be "pursued". "I just want to be a priority to someone."
Every woman also wants an adventure to share. So many men make the mistake of thinking that the woman is the adventure. But that is where the relationship immediately goes downhill. A woman doesn't want to be the adventure, she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself.
And finally, every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure, but to unveil. There is a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty and delighted in. The world kills a woman's heart when it tells her to be tough, efficient and independent....
and those we women feel that no one is fighting for our hearts, there is no grand adventure to be swept up in, and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.
These are the profound differences in what God created in the hearts of men and women...yet look at how they intimately fit together....they complete the puzzle. So it takes courage...courage on the part of a man to be "the man"...and the woman to let him be the man...and stay true to being "the woman."
I pray today for courage for men to be men and women to be women today. Then we will see more of the intimate fit that God designed for man and woman. Praying God will help me in this endeavor as well.
If I made you angry....my intent was not to insult or injury you...but to tell you that there is hope in God's design of who men and women are to be. And I pray for your wounded hearts and despairing spirits...for I too have worn those wounds on my own skin during my life. But I know for me...I will return to these written words in these books as long as it takes to be the woman God designed and support the man God has placed in my life....it is that important to my core being.
I love you all.
Lorrie